“Drive yourselves 33 miles to Mesa, Arizona,” the first clue reads, “and find Williams Gateway Airport.” Yay, an Airport! Where to next – India? South Africa? Maybe Marion will actually get to go to New Zealand? Um, no. The airport is the destination. Screw you Bertram Van Munster for getting my hopes up. I think we can safely bet that the remainder of the race will take place inside the U.S. Too bad, I was still holding out hope that the teams might travel to India and take the train. Can you imagine Marion’s reaction?

You expect me to cram my ass into that frickin’ thing? What are you, nuts?

On the way to Mesa, the Linz car was pulled over by the police, but one of the boys deftly avoided getting a ticket by explaining to the officer that they were “racing other cars.” (Linda’s travel tip of the week: You see, in Arizona, traffic laws only apply to cars that are not racing each other. You’re also allowed to steal things if you’re on a “scavenger hunt,” and kill people if you’re “hunting humans.”)

At the airport road-blaaaahck, the teams have to grab a number to determine the order of the next task, which will begin at 4:30 am. Despite departing first, neaaaavigational difficulties cause the pink ladies fall to third place during the 33 mile journey, and the Weavers giddily snatch up the number one spot.

Of course, it made absolutely no difference, since the first three teams began the task simultaneously. Perhaps Jesus just got sick of their nagging and granted them a little “victory,” albeit a meaningless one.

On the way to the airport, Marion hoped that the roadblock might be a helicopter ride! “Yeah a helicopter ride, that’d be fun for you. What are you nuts?,” Tony quipped. Please, I think Marion could handle a little helicopter ride – she had no problem with the bungee jump (despite being tethered to her shrieking son). You need to slap that wise ass husband upside the head, Marion!

The roadblock this week was actually pretty cool – one person from each team had to take control of a fighter plane and perform a 360 degree loop in the air. Rolly Weaver, Megan Linz and Sharon Godlewski were up first.

Nick farted in Megan’s plane before she got in. I think it’s safe to say the sugar scent is gone.

All three completed the task on the first attempt.

Holy creaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!

Next up were Brian Paolo and Bransen Girl. Brian was visibly nervous, but he looked cute in his little fighter pilot costume.

These two both had a little trouble the first time (something about overshooting the parameters which I didn’t understand), but were successful on attempt #2. And nobody barfed. What would happen if you barfed on a 360 degree loop? Sadly, we may never know.

Next, the teams had to drive 277 miles to the “largest pothole in the world,” the Grand Canyon! 277 miles means a lot of hours on the road. Plenty of time for highway hijinks like the Weavers throwing garbage out the window of their car at the Godlewskis! You might think that would violate the “Christian lifestyle” they hold so dear, but since there is no commandment that specifically outlaws garbage-throwing, I think they’re in the clear. I have a call into the Lord’s Director of Policy to clarify – I’ll keep you posted.

While fast-forwarding through the commercial break, I happened to notice that there was some sort of election going on in the “real” world.

Why are they showing the NYC election results on my TV? I live in Palmdale, CA! Weird.

The Grand Canyon trip turned out to be more of a stopover than a layover, and the teams got to spend all of 5 seconds viewing one of the great wonders of the natural world before heading off on another 137 mile road trip. This was a major disappointment for all of the teams except the Weavers, of course, who thought they were visiting yet another one of the Great Lakes. “This is the dumbest Great Lake I ever saw,” Rebecca exclaimed! “It’s totally dried up.” “Yeah, like your Mom’s face,” Carissa Gaghan retorted. OH NO SHE DIDN’T!! Seriously, Carissa. That was way over the line. (I’ll stop now. I promise.)

“Retards,” Carissa muttered, before sprinting off to finish the Grand Canyon Marathon 2005.

(Seriously, I’m done.)

After an ascent to the top of a giant dam, which was kind of pointless (except that it provided some cool aerial shots of the teams looking like tiny ants running across it), Phil explained to us that this week’s Detour would take place at Arizona’s majestic Horseshoe Bay while standing precariously close to a huge cliff overlooking that majestic wonder.

Personally, I love it when Phil flirts with death for no apparent reason whatsoever. Perhaps before the season is over, we’ll be treated to another tethered-to-the-top-of-a-skyscraper stunt? Pretty please?

Unfortunately, on the way to the Detour, the Paolos made the most common of TAR mistakes – not stopping to ask directions because it might waste time. Oh why does nobody ever listen to Marion?

While the Paolos drove aimlessly around the southwest, the rest of the teams started arriving at the majestic Horseshoe Bay. This week’s Detour was a choice between Bearing and Bailing. In Bearing, the teams have to use a compass to follow several coordinates by boat to get to the clue. In Bailing, a semi-submerged boat must be un-submerged and carried ashore.

The Weavers chose Bearing, while the rest of the teams all opted to Bail. The Linz family made up some ground here, and they were the first team to head off to the Pit Stop, which was 14 miles away on a house boat on Lake Powell.

Update: Just got a clarification from the Lord’s office. Apparently garbage throwing is OK, but only while “racing other cars” in Arizona. Otherwise it’s a mortal sin punishable by eternal damnation. Whew, close one Weavers!

When the Linz kids arrived at the lake, they had some trouble starting up their motor boat, but eventually got it going. “The [pink] ladies are going to take forever to figure out how to do this,” one of the boys said. “And they might not,” replied Megan.

Boy was she right. Despite Trish nearly capsizing the vessel, speed-demon Sharon got that boat started in 2 seconds flat and somehow they managed to pass the Linz boat on the lake (while all four of them chanted “woo woo woo nyah nyah na na na nyah” and bounced up and down)! OMG the pink ladies are so awesome.

For the second leg in a row, the Godlewskis finished first! Yay ladies!! As they arrived on the mat, Phil told them they as the winners of this leg of the race, they had won a Jay Flight 27BH !!! Their reaction was the same as mine, and I think this picture captures it perfectly.

The Linz crew arrived next, and Phil reminded them that they had again been whooped by a group of pink-clad blondes. “Maybe they’ll be nice and treat us to one of their prizes after,” one of the boys responded. Hah, nice try guys. They’ve already ordered the pink custom-detailing on the Jay Flight 27BH (with a vanity plate that says OMGAAAAD).

Next up was the Weaver family, who seemed quite unhappy with their third-place finish. Phil asked them what was wrong, and to the sound of sad piano music in the background (which was supposed to tug at our heartstrings, I guess?), they told Phil how they were all alone in the race, and it was hard being the only family who was “living a Christian lifestyle.” Even the random kid at the mat could tell they were idiots.

Who let these buttheads on my houseboat?

With three teams on the mat, once again it came down to the Bransens versus the Paolos. The Bransens were finishing the Detour as the Paolos arrived, but remember what happened last week… err… one hour ago! Anything could happen!! (But I know they’re probably going to get eliminated. Sigh.)

While “Bailing,” the Paolos expressed their love for one another the way they do best.

Thankfully, nobody was actually murdered at the majestic Horseshoe Bay, but the Paolos never were able to make up the time they lost on the road, and the Bransens beat them handily to finish in fourth place.

The elimination of the Paolos was definitely a sad moment (the second half of my recap was late because I spent the better part of yesterday a fetal position, bawling. I’m OK now, though. I’ve moved on.) Now I can just look forward to watching Marion mop the floor with Linda Weaver in a wrestling match in Battle of the Network Reality Stars 2007! Yay!!