February 28, 2006

Bring on the overcrowded trains of Calcutta!

Tonight is the premiere of an all-new season of The Amazing Race and Linda and I have been planning what could possibly be our biggest party yet. It's because we have really high hopes this time having seen all the exciting previews, and we still remember how TAR used to be a good show.

Let me tell you, it's been a pretty boring winter here in Palmdale, CA, so we're about ready for some travel to exotic places! After last season's utterly disappointing Family Edition, Linda and I are ready to follow Phil Keoghan to somewhere that doesn't involve Revolutionary War reenactments. Let's put more dating Christian models in close quarters with brown and black people! More eating of revolting regional cuisine! Remember the goulash? Now that took guts, literally. For all the flack I gave Freddy and Kendra, I do have to say he must have really wanted it badly to lick up his own barf for the sake of his team. Yuck!

Anyway, we look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts on the episode later on. I've got an ice-cold bottle of Cherry Coke in the fridge and I'm ready for a super fun night!

Posted by Karen Heins at 1:37 PM | Category: In with the new! | Comments (4)

February 3, 2006

Fresh (Adult!) Faces

Are you all excited about Season Nine of The Amazing Race? Well, I AM!!! With less than four weeks until the two hour season premiere on February 28, I decided to head over to the show's website to meet the new teams!

So while browsing the fascinating biographies of the pairs that we'll soon come to love or hate, I had all of these thoughts in my head. Some were funny, some were totally obnoxious and mean, and others were totally stupid. A few were a combination of all three! Well, I thought, I can't keep these comments to myself. I have to share them with all three loyal readers of Just Us Moms! So, I decided to post them for you!

Just so you know, these comments all came right off the top of my head (or out of my you-know-what). None of them are really true. Don't get your panties in a bunch being all offended. I was basically plastered when I wrote all of this. With that in mind, read my thoughts on next season's players, AFTER THE JUMP!

LAKE & MICHELLE
Married Parents

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Lake & Michelle are a close-knit married couple from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. They met as freshmen in college (They’re actually brother and sister. The whole “meeting in college” thing is a lie) and have been married for 13 years. (Michelle turns 22 next week!)

Lake is a dentist who has limited traveling experience outside of the United States. While he describes himself as energetic and motivated, Michelle notes that he's your typical Type A personality, very impatient and always looking for ways to do it better. (He beats her. And smiles while he does it.)

Michelle is a stay-at-home mother of three who works (Isn't the definition of "stay-at-home" that you, like, don't work?) part-time in Lake's office. She claims that she's much more laid back than her husband and hopes this won't cause friction between the two while taking part on THE AMAZING RACE. Michelle sees herself as being loyal, kind and loving and is running the Race to prove to herself and Lake that she's capable of accomplishing things. (So he’ll stop beating her.)

While Lake & Michelle are both aware of their personality differences, they feel they work well together and hope their differences will actually help them as they travel the world on the Race. (They won’t. He’ll just have to open up an extra big can of whoop-ass when they get home, because SHE MADE THEM LOSE.)

DANIELLE & DANI
Childhood Friends

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Danielle & Dani are childhood friends hailing from Staten Island, New York. (Umm, duh. Look at their hair.) The two beauties (loud, annoying skanks) met over 10 years ago and have been inseparable ever since. (Danielle likes to touch her "K" to Dani's "P.")

Outgoing and talkative (loud, annoying and skanky), Danielle, who recently graduated from St. Johns University with a degree in Speech Pathology (but is now a cocktail waitress in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn), has limited experience when it comes to traveling abroad and is eager to see what this globetrotting adventure has to offer. (Notice they said “globetrotting.” Please watch this season, it won’t suck like the last one.)

Dani recently graduated at the top of her class (of Applied Cocktail Waitressing students) from Wagner College. She describes herself as being fun-loving, wild and eager (loud, annoying and super-skanky) to get out of Staten Island. Like her teammate, Dani also hasn't traveled very much. (She has never left “the island.” The subway is scary!) She hopes the Race will provide her with the chance to explore all the different cultures in the world. (Don’t forget it’s INTERNATIONAL this time!)

Armed with bold personalities (big boobs) and a fearless attitude (tight pink t-shirts), the duo believes that anything is possible with good looks and thick accents, which they aren't afraid to use if it helps them to win the $1 million prize. (Oh my gaaaad. I think they're preaaastitutes!)

BJ & TYLER
Best Friends

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BJ & Tyler are bohemian best buds (They smoke SO much pot it’s scary) who first met four years ago during the Semester at Sea program, where they shared the experience of sailing around the world. (They actually just got really high, fell off the boat, and got kicked out of the program) One of their most memorable moments was starting a dance party in the streets of downtown Guilin, China, which turned into a mass gathering of hundreds of Chinese men. (The first ever circuit party in Guilin, China) They have been friends ever since, whether bouncing on trampolines (getting unimaginably high) at Burning Man or spontaneously swimming (while extremely high on drugs -- not reccomended) in the San Francisco Bay.

BJ (which stands for Bobby Jon, but that name is so played out) is a graduate of Harvard University, while Tyler graduated from UC Santa Cruz after completing two semesters abroad--one in Hungary, the other in South Africa. Both have traveled the world extensively and speak several languages including Spanish and Japanese. (Yay, the battle of the inbred hicks versus the cultured potheads!)

Both BJ and Tyler share a love of adventure (pot), travel (their bongs), and good times (pot). After graduating from college, BJ moved to California to pursue surfing, karate and frisbee. (Um, yeah. Need I say more?) Meanwhile, Tyler fell in love with a Japanese girl (Ami, of Puffy AmiYumi) and decided to impress her by walking the 2000-mile length of Japan. (Afterwards, he realized she was just inside his TV. Damn, he was way too high.)

Their primary motivation for taking part in THE AMAZING RACE is to share in the adventure of racing around the world, meeting new people and, of course, winning $1 million. (To buy $1 million of weed.)

RAY & YOLANDA
Dating

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Ray & Yolanda have been dating for five years. An accomplished athlete, Yolanda ran track with Ray's cousin at the University of Florida. One day while visiting his cousin at the track, Ray was introduced to Yolanda, but it wasn't until later that the two were reacquainted and exchanged phone numbers. (Because he naturally assumed that she was a lesbian. Duh, she ran track!)

Natives of Florida, Ray & Yolanda now reside in Chicago, Illinois. Yolanda grew up in Gainesville, Florida and was a math and science teacher in Miami before she recently moved in with Ray, who is originally from Jacksonville. After receiving his law degree from the University of Miami and practicing law in South Florida, Ray accepted a position as an attorney in Chicago. (Whoa, these two have the crookedest eyes! They look like Shannen Doherty, except they’re not white!)

While Ray is said to be the more disciplined of the two, both describe themselves as opinionated and stubborn. Yolanda admits that she has a bit of trouble finishing what she's started and Ray claims that she often runs late. Nevertheless, Yolanda & Ray enjoy working out together and are looking forward to the adventure of the Race and the thrill of competition. (Hmm, I can’t think of any more obnoxious comments to make. I have a feeling this is going to be the team everyone’s going to be rooting for. Or they’ll be eliminated first. I haven’t decided yet.)

JOHN & SCOTT
Lifelong Friends

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John & Scott met in high school (on the short bus) and have been friends for more than 25 years. The men differ in that John admits to being too controlling (of his bowels) at times where Scott is not controlling (of John’s bowels) at all.

John, who is single (gay), lives in Boston, Massachusetts (gay-land), where he works as a wealth manager and (big ol’ gay) artist. He also plans to pursue a career in real estate (poodle cosmetology) one day. When he's not working, John enjoys spending time on Cape Cod (gay) with his two Great Danes (“bears”), Hector and Percy. His proudest accomplishments include purchasing and renovating his 1883 brownstone and completing the Boston to New York AIDS 250-Mile Bike Ride (with lots of gays).

Scott, who is in sales (he’s a Mary Kay lady), currently resides on Cape Cod, Massachusetts. He describes himself as a fun and gregarious person whose personal motto is "live, live, live." (omg, so frickin’ gay) He claims that the most exciting moment in life has yet to happen. (It involves Jake Gyllenhaal, a cucumber and a big tub of vaseline)

The lively duo share memories from road trips they've taken to New York City (no gays there, right?) and Provincetown, Massachusetts (hmmm). However, you won't hear of any far off places that they've traveled to because John has a fear of flying and hasn't been on a plane in over eight years! (You picked a great show to be on, you big gay dumbass) One of the main reasons for going on the Race is John's hope that he will overcome his fears while both friends will be able to see the world together. (P.S. – they’re gay. The photo suggests that they're possibly also retarded.)

DAVID & LORI
Dating

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David & Lori are a couple from Manhattan, Kansas (They’re actually from Brooklyn, Kansas. They just say they’re from Manhattan to sound cool) who have been dating for three years. (On the internet. They have never actually met. But they have shared some very intimate IMs) Although Lori is ready to get married, David would like to get his career off the ground before he ties the knot. (He’s actually just afraid that if they have sex, she’ll die.)

Describing himself as intelligent and compassionate, David has done little traveling (because he’d have to buy a seat on the plane for each buttcheek), but is eager to explore the world. He received Bachelor's of Arts and Science degrees (Um, let’s not pretend it’s two degrees, mmmkay?) from Kansas State University. A musician who is very involved with his local underground music scene, David's many bands (Two degrees and MANY bands!) have released three full length CDs and have played in several local music festivals and venues across the country. His one phobia is heights. (He’s actually just afraid that whatever’s holding him up so high will break.)

An assistant manager at Pizza Hut (Someday she’ll be a full manager! Someday!), Lori says she is energetic, understanding and willing. She also believes herself to be more spontaneous than her partner, who is more reserved and likes to have a plan (in other words, he is fat and lazy). Nevertheless, they look forward to working together as they travel around the world and learn about different cultures on THE AMAZING RACE. (Hopefully he won’t eat her. Actually I hope he does! That would be the coolest roadblock ever!!)

JEREMY & ERIC
Friends

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Jeremy & Eric, best friends from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, met while running college track at Johnson County Community College. Both are admittedly cocky, very competitive and strong athletes. They are avid volleyball players who frequently compete in local tournaments. (Are they hot? I haven’t decided yet.)

Sarcastic and patient, Jeremy is well-traveled and ready for the adventure of a lifetime. He works as a valet (Park my car, bitch! Yeah, that’s hot) and is hoping the Race will help him to make something of his life. (Don’t count on it pretty boy.)

Eric, who works as a waiter and a bartender, has little experience traveling outside of the United States. A two-time NJCAA Track and Field All American in the pole vault, Eric describes himself as being athletic and outgoing. His biggest pet peeve about his teammate is that Jeremy won't take criticism. (Jeremy, I told you that Old Navy Performance Fleece makes you look fat! Why won't you listen to me?)

The former collegiate athletes hope their physical abilities will help carry them past the competition to the $1 million prize. (I just hope they make them do something in speedos while touching each other. Please consult the producers of The Gauntlet for suggestions.)

FRAN & BARRY
Married 40 Years

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Fran & Barry (aka Don & Mary Jean aka Meredith & Gretchen) have known each other for 45 years and have been married for over 40. The proud parents of two children (ages 67 and 73), this adventure-loving couple makes their home in Summit County, Colorado. Although they travel a lot, the word “vacation” is not a frequently used term in their home. They prefer to refer to their trips around the world as “adventure travel.” (Oh they’re so athletic and well-traveled and savvy! But they’re 106 years old!)

Fran, who is 61 years old (as of February 1964), is a retired accountant who describes herself as having a positive outlook on life (“I’m 106 and still alive! Yay!”). Fran enjoys skiing, biking, and hiking and has climbed all of Colorado’s 54 14ers, which are the Colorado mountain peaks that exceed 14,000 feet. Fran admits that she’s running THE AMAZING RACE to show that “old people” can compete just as well as most 25 year olds. (25 year old paraplegics)

Barry (it would be more fun if he had a name like Leslie, so I could make old lesbian jokes like I did with Meredith and Gretchen), who is 63 years old (if a year had 24 months), thrives on challenging himself and loves to compete (at shuffleboard). A retired urologist and former battalion surgeon with the 173rd Airborne Brigade in Vietnam (The Civil War), Barry describes himself as outgoing and dependable (and very, very old). His biggest disappointment with regards to Fran was that she refused to bungee jump from a bridge in New Zealand. (Because it was in 1823, and bungee cords were made out of the intestines of dead slaves) Although he does point out that she made good by agreeing to skydive (once planes were invented).

Having traveled to more than 45 countries together, these high school sweethearts are hoping their previous traveling experience will give them an advantage over the other Teams. (Except we all know it won’t. But oh how I will get my hopes up and cry when they are eliminated. Boo hoo.)

LISA & JONI
Sisters

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Lisa & Joni are sisters (Wait, they’re not a lesbian couple? Maybe they just mean “sisters” in, you know, that way) who have lived apart from one another for almost 20 years. (OK, I guess they’re really sisters.) After their father passed away, Joni opted to stay in Texas with their mom, while Lisa moved to Florida. The sisters hope their experience on THE AMAZING RACE will help them to reconnect with one another and make up for lost time.

Lisa, who lives in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida, is also a mother of two and has been married for seven years. (Not to Joni) Several years ago, Lisa accomplished her longtime goal of opening her own art gallery. She's an avid artist who enjoys anything creative and describes herself as smart, determined and competitive.

Joni, who resides in Katy, Texas, is the mother of two and has been married for 10 years. (To a man, seriously!) She has never traveled outside of the United States and is quite eager to see what the world has to offer. Funny and headstrong (like Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres. And Karen. Karen is a lezzie! Karen is a lezzie!), Join (Join? Um, proofread, CBS!) claims to be a people person who is much more patient than her teammate. (BTW, Karen’s not really a lezzie.)

This outgoing twosome are loud, rambunctious, and each stand over six feet tall. (Amazon lezzie sisters! Woo, I love them already!) If they win the $1 million prize, both Lisa & Joni admit that they would like to get some plastic surgery. (To remove the bottom halves of their legs, and reconnect their feet at the kneecaps.)

JOSEPH & MONICA
Dating

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Joseph & Monica have been dating (Are they Dating/Models? I think so!) for the past three years. This fun-loving (They luvs the alcohol!) couple met at a local bar (Hah! Told you.) in Fayetteville, Arkansas during college when Joseph claims he "just about broke his neck (he popped a major woody) when Monica walked through the door (stumbled drunkly over to him and puked on his shoes)." After a brief separation for a few months (ok, who banged somebody else?), they missed each other tremendously and decided to give their relationship a second try. They've been together ever since. (That was three days ago)

Joseph describes himself as confident and funny, while Monica is independent and tenacious. Born and raised in the South, the couple shares a love of country music, wakeboarding (WTF is wakeboarding?) and traveling. Joseph's proudest accomplishment has been building and selling his first home. (Mmm, you can build my home, Joseph! And sell it! Yeah baby! That was supposed to sound sexual. I don’t think it worked.)

Although Monica's primary motivation for taking part on THE AMAZING RACE is to pay off her student loans (jump start her “modeling” career), both she and Joseph are eager to take part in an experience that will bond them for life. (They’ll be lucky if they get to episode 4 without breaking up)

WANDA & DESIREE
Mother and Daughter

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Wanda & Desiree are a mother and daughter Team (with a capital “T”! Watch out people!) with a close-knit bond. Both women have a great sense of humor and enjoy shopping, traveling and cooking.

Wanda, a corporate trainer, is married and lives in Smyrna, Georgia. Fluent in Spanish, Wanda has previously lived in New York and Puerto Rico. One of the accomplishments for which Wanda is most proud is earning two college degrees (For real! Not like David’s fake “degrees”) while raising her daughter. More recently, Wanda was able to share in the excitement of watching Desiree graduate from NYU.

Desiree resides in New York City where she works as a writer. (AKA waitress. Unless you count writing a stupid blog that nobody reads. Hey, look at me! I’m a writer too!) Currently in a steady relationship, she describes herself as passionate and artistic. (She cries a lot) An only child, her biggest pet peeve about her mother is that she tends to be overprotective. (Which makes her cry.)

Although they are definitely playing to win, Wanda & Desiree also hope to expand their knowledge of different cultures while seeing the world on THE AMAZING RACE. (I’m rooting for you, ladies -- you go girls!)

That's it! What do all of you think of the new teams?

Posted by Linda Ruiz at 2:38 PM | Category: In with the new! | Comments (7)