Just Us Moms

Julie, belly-shakin'

2006-04-11T21:40:58Z

Apparently not wanting to be outdone by Phil's crazy mat-dance last week, Julie Chen, Big Brother's hostess-with-the-mostest and the number four lady of reality TV, not only shook the place on her body where a booty should be, but actually bellydanced! Well, sort of. Thankfully, the folks at TVgasm captured the spectacle for all of you who don't watch the CBS Early Show (in other words, everyone) and posted this absolutely priceless video.

Although Ms. Chen-Moonves hasn't (yet) taken my suggestion to do a topless cartwheel on live television, this is pretty darn cool.

Stalk the Amazing Race

2006-04-11T14:49:13Z

Right from your home computer!

The folks at Jaunted (those same people who found these photos that you probably never wanted to see), have created Chasing Racers: The Amazing Race 9 Map Mashup. It's an interactive map thingy where you can follow the path of the teams on the race. Try it, it's kind of neat!

My only question is, what the hell is up with Massachusetts and New Jersey on that map? The rest of the eastern United States looks all green and pretty, but those two states look like some sort of concrete wastelands. New Jersey I can understand (I've been there, it's pretty nasty), but Massachusetts? Unless they converted the entire state into a parking lot in the last year, I don't know what's up.

I guess that's what happens when you let gays marry. ALL OF THE TREES DIE!

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fish

2006-04-08T17:35:18Z

I’m not going to beat around the bush – this week’s episode kind of sucked, didn’t it? The tasks were pretty easy. There were hardly any opportunities for a real shake-up in the team order. The traveling was limited to driving “around the quaint towns of Sicily,” as the official CBS episode summary described it. What, no gottdang flyin’ bus, Lake pondered? Sorry, Dr. Jerkoff Hick, DDS. Not this week. Just a picturesque tour of quaint Sicilian Teatros and Antiteatros. Fences with heads and statues with none. And cute little doggies who like to have their tummies rubbed. Awwww!

BJ: I love rubbing tummies. But it’s more fun when they have nipple rings.

Karen and I give this episode two bowling balls down. Wait, that doesn’t make any sense. Two bowling pins down. Hmm, that makes sense, but it’s pretty lame. Two giant turds! Yeah. In other words, we were not impressed.

Quite honestly, I wasn’t sure what CBS was thinking when they moved the show to its new 8:00 pm Wednesday timeslot (Don’t you love TVgasm’s cute little school bus? I wish we had the budget for cool graphics like that!), and the first episode they show on the new night is this pile of crapola. And according to Reality Blurred, the already-suffering ratings took a bit of a nose dive. Anyway, I’ll stop bitching. Every season is allowed to have one boring episode. And there were a few good moments…

]]> So the leg began (and ended) in Sicily. Tyler and BJ (I just can’t see his name anymore without thinking of those nasty pictures… ick!) started things off, with the fratboys on their tails (not literally…. yet, anyway).

Side note: The above comments should not in any way be construed to imply anything about the sexuality (i.e., gayness) of Eric and Jeremy. First of all, they are not gay. Second, I don’t want to become a permanent part of a parking lot. I’m pretty sure it would be the parking lot on this block, but that’s purely coincidental.

So anyway, the boys made their way to this week’s first destination – the Antiteatro Romano. I was wondering if it was some sort of anti-matter version of a teatro (or teeeeeaayyyyyytrowe, in Lake-speak), like a teatro that fell into a black hole. I pondered sending an email to quantum-physics expert (read: not a dumb blonde) Monica to get her take, but then I realized it probably just meant amphitheater. Duh.

Barry's first job out of high school was helping to build this thing.

Reading the first clue allowed for another TAR-favorite -- watching each team mangle the name of the destination. This week’s impossible-to-pronounce word: Catania. Granted, it’s a little trickier than Palermo, but there was no excusing the verbal butchery that ensued. Catalina, Ca-TAY-nia, Cateena, Cat-a-NIA, Cat and Nia! That last one sounds like a bad PBS educational cartoon about a girl and her beloved kitty cat, who travel the world and learn about other cultures and languages. If only there was such a show, and if only these dumbasses had watched it.

The incredible adventures of Cat and her zany lesbian friend, Nia!

Those zany hippies played their first prank of the episode at the antiteatro, which surprisingly, did not involve spazzing around like epileptic monkeys, and was actually very funny. They created an “official team sign-in sheet” and pasted it on the gate, which was closed until the morning. The dumb, hot, and not-gay fratboys arrived soon after, and pondered the official-ness of the magic marker-made document taped sideways to the gate in front of them. “This looks kind of ghetto,” one of the sexy not-gay bitches remarked. Instantly, Rep. Cynthia McKinney of Georgia popped out of the bushes and stabbed whitey with her cell-phone. “How dare you, a male, white, valet, use the word ghetto in the presence of me, a female, black Congresswoman?!?,” the Honorable Cynthia McKinney shouted. “That is racialist!” Ok, that didn’t really happen. I sooooo wish Cynthia McKinney was on TAR, though. She’d make it so much more exciting. And make Marion Paolo her partner. “Enough with the racialism, okay? Will you just COOL IT??”

Best Amazing Race pair ever

Where was I? Oh yeah. Super-sleuths Eric and Jeremy soon figured out the sign was just a joke. “Do you think those guys just made it up?” See, they aren’t dumb! Yay, boys!

Eventually, the gate to the black-hole teatro was opened and all matter outside it was immediately sucked in and instantly became nothingness. Or the opposite of nothingness. Somethingness? Ask Monica, I’m not sure. No, really, the gates opened and the teams were presented with their first task du jour – counting little heads on a gate. Sounds easy? Well, there were a whopping FORTY-ONE of them!! Yeah, it was totally easy. But it wasn’t a detour or a roadblock, so no big whoop.

So all of the teams did the counting-to-41 challenge rather effortlessly. Even Lake & Michelle did it on the first try. Impressive. Though the third-best moment of the episode occurred when they found some random guy who they assumed was the “groundskeeper” and ran up to him and asked “Is it 41?” And he said “yeah!” and high-fived them. Awesome, gottdangit!

Fran & Barry had little trouble with this one too, although finding the groundskeeper proved a little tricky for them, too. “It says groundskeeper, so he must be on the grounds,” Barry surmised. Way to go, mummies! While searching the grounds, Fran kept bellowing “Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!” It reminded me of when I’m on the phone with my Aunt Ida and her hearing aid falls out. My Aunt Ida is 107, so add about 15 years and that’s what Fran sounded like.

So yeah, after everyone finished the head counting it was off to the Detour: Big Fish or Little Fish. Big Fish involved carrying a big fish, and little fish involved selling lots of little fish. Aren’t you glad I clarified that?

Since selling little fish on the streets of Sicily sounds like it could be kind of hard, all of the teams opted for Big Fish, except for Fran & Barry. Gramma and Grampa didn’t have too tough a time though. I mean, who wouldn’t buy pesce fresco from a couple of 137-year old Americans with a TV crew filming them? I would, and I don’t even eat fish!

EEEEEEKKKK! It's Dana the man-troll from Big Brother 4!

The other task was pretty cool, but after personally hauling a 50-lb side of raw beef, and watching a ~~midget~~ little person do it too, the 32-pound swordfish didn’t seem THAT bad. Although at least the beef didn’t barf up dead-fish-bile on our shoulders while we carried it. That’s pretty nasty.

The dead-fish-carrying was pretty gross, but most of the teams handled it in stride. Except for Monica and Joseph. For them, Big Fish was the worst thing ever – leading to the second-best moment of the episode: a sobbing, stinky, mascara-smeared Monica having a total meltdown on the streets of Sicily as they couldn’t find the right dude to hand the fish too. “JOOOOSEEEEEEEEEEPH,” she screamed like a crazed, smelly homeless model/quantum physicist, as she dropped the big, dead swordfish on the ground. “I can’t carry it anymore!” But trooper that she is, she picked the slimy corpse up and trudged forth through the mean streets of Sicily, as a bunch of obnoxious locals looked at them. “I’m going to stab one of these locals through the head,” Joseph said before they finally found the fishmonger (incidentally, it was my other favorite reality-TV midget, Lydia, from Survivor: Guatemala! Who knew she lived in Sicily?). Yeah, how dare those freakin’ locals look at us while we ran through the streets, screaming in English, stinking of fish bile-barf, covered in smeared mascara, carrying 32-pound swordfish corpses around while a reality-TV crew filmed them? What assholes!

“This is the worst thing ever,” Monica sighed. No, the worst thing ever was when Reichen had to eat the live octopus in Korea and its undead tentacles were literally crawling back his throat while he tried to swallow them. The worst thing ever was when Freddy puked up the very spicy soup and then had to eat very spicy-barfy soup. You’re just carrying a damn fish. Shut up. Don’t make me get all Cynthia McKinney on your ass.

Um, honey? You dropped something.

With the bad fish memories behind them, all of the teams were off to some other quaint, unmemorable Sicilian town for the roadblock, which involved scoring a goal against a professional Italian kayak polo team. Oh wow, that seems hard! I mean, they’re professionals. Only thing was, they didn’t FREAKIN’ DO ANYTHING! Seriously, the professional kayakers just floated there in the water and watched, perhaps occasionally limply lifting an oar in a fake attempt to block a shot. God, what a stupid roadblock. Even Barry had little trouble with it. So, of course, it did nothing to affect the order.

Lake’s choice of attire while watching his Missus do the kayak thing was amusing, however.

I think this was actually the look he was going for.

So blah blah blah, I was so bored during this part that I dozed off a bit, but I woke up after Lake & Michelle read the next clue: Make your way on foot…. “ON FOOT!!!!!!!” Dr. ADHD screamed. God, this dude is annoying. In my head, every time he talks I imagine this cross between Jon Stewart’s impression of President Bush and Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel from the Simpsons. And that hybrid character just drank like 11 cups of espresso. And did a line of meth.

So yeah, the teams made their way ON FOOT!!!!!!! to the Pitstop, Blahblahblah, Sicily. For some inexplicable reason, there was a band playing, too. Weird. But the irresistible, groovy tunes of that band led to the absolute best moment of this completely crappy episode, and made the 5 TrimSpa I took to stay awake through (most of) the damn thing worthwhile: PHIL DANCING. Oh my god. It was the zaniest thing I have ever seen, and even sexier than Eric in his speedo or Dr. Leather Daddy, DDS.

Phil, booty shakin’

Now that the Phil has danced, what’s left of the stoic, uber-serious, passively dismissive and vaguely condescending persona? The only thing more earth-shattering would be if Julie Chen did a topless cartwheel during a live episode of Big Brother. Think about it, Julie – imagine the cash you could make with a “Big Brother: Too Hot For TV” DVD.

Ok, so (very) long story short, the order barely changed – The frat boys were first, the hippies were second, MoJo was third, the mummies were fourth, the lady and her dentist were fifth, and YoRay were sixth. Last place went to the geekazoids (or fatazoids or sweatazoids or ILoveYouazoids), and tragically, they were eliminated. Yep, back to The Hut for you, Lori. You’ll be assisting the management of my stuffed crust with black olives next week, babe.

Oh, I almost forgot – terrific news for Eric and Jeremy!! As winners of this leg of the race, they won a cruise on Royal Caribbean’s new Freedom of the Seas, the world’s largest cruise ship! Yay, guys! Maybe you should sign up for this sailing! I mean, I know you’re not gay or anything. But you don’t have to be gay to go on a gay cruise! You could have so much fun at the legendary T-dances and nighttime parties! I mean, I’m going, and I’m a straight woman from Palmdale, California. See you in January, boys! And please wear these:

So next week it’s on to Greece or something. Anywhere but Sicily, please. Somewhere you gotta git on the flyin’ bus to git to. And there’s going to be some sort of semi-nude wrestling involved. Sounds fun!

So what did all of you think of this episode?

Those crazy boys!

2006-04-03T20:58:39Z

One of our loyal readers tipped us off to these party photos taken of the "frat boys" Eric and Jeremy and the "hippies" BJ and Tyler. The boys seem to be having a good time, but I think it illustrates the downside of alcohol. Of course the upside is that someone was able to take these pictures! Now the world knows that Jeremy has no pubic hair.

More photos after the jump.

]]>
BJ and Tyler dance with the dark, foreign orphans they adopted in Brazil.

Eric: "Come on hippie, real men have pierced nipples. No, it's not gay."

Is this how BJ got his nickname? My goodness!

(photos via Jaunted)

Palermo-Palooza!

2006-04-01T19:31:30Z

This week the race resumed, sans the spicy Latinas, in Munich, Germany. The girl-girl teams (Wanda and Desiree, the Glamazons, John and Scott) haven’t been having much luck thus far. And with the Double D’s in a distant last place, things are looking bleak for a first-ever all-female Amazing Race victory. If only Karen could have pulled ~~herself~~ her big ass up that cliff, we might have a woman president by now. I will never forgive you, Karen. Neither will Carol Moseley-Braun.

Eric and Jeremy were out of the gate first at 2:15 am. I love these guys. And not just because they’re sexy bitches. They’re actually the most entertaining team on the race this season. I wouldn’t have guessed that they’d be so funny when I first saw their profile on the official CBS website. Speaking of the team profiles, I want to pat myself on the back for the completely made up but almost entirely accurate predictions I made before the season even began. I think I’m psychic, at least when I’m drunk.

Anyway, it’s off to Palermo, Italy! Or Palomo (Eric & Jeremy). Or Paylerrmo (Lake). Or Paaaaalermo (Monica, and probably Sheaaaaron Godlewski, too). Or Palomino (Joseph). Or Pa…… ler…… mo (Fran & Barry). Actually the mummies pronounced it correctly, they’re just physically incapable of uttering more than one syllable per second. Come on you dumb turds, haven’t any of you ever heard of Palermo before? If only Bolo had been there, you know he would have screamed, “fly to Papa Gino’s, Italy!”

]]> So off everyone went to the airport to make flight arrangements for the 850-mile journey to Palindrome! Or Paleontology! Or Palau! Oh my god, wouldn’t it have been awesome if Joseph and Monica had flown to Palau by mistake? I bet Stephenie LaGrossa is still wandering around there somewhere, waiting for Survivor 16 to begin filming.

As I was saying (like 5 paragraphs earlier when I started this recap… no wonder these things take me forever to write), Eric and Jeremy were off first, and had quite a lead. Of course, a lead at 2:15 am when your first destination is an airport is basically meaningless, so of course the other teams caught up. And what does one do when stuck at the airport in Munich in the middle of the night? Wheelchair races, of course!

Either Eric fell or he is being butt-raped by a wheelchair. I can't tell.

Eric wins the gold medal in the wheelchair slalom at the Munich International Airport Special Olympics!!

Whats better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being a cripple.

While the frat boys and the hippies were having a jolly old time, Lake and Michelle weren’t having none of that. Oh no. “I ain’t racin’ in no doggone cripple-chair, I tell-ya-what” exclaimed Lake as they decided to go use something called “the Internet” to help them find a faster flight. Now, I’m not all tech-savvy so I’m not quite sure what this “Internet” thing is all about, but Lake is a doctor (well, dentist, technically, but close enough), so he must know lots of things us regular folk don’t.

“I’ll do the clicker and you do the typer,” he told Michelle. Seriously. I couldn’t have made up something more dumb-country-hick sounding if I thought about it all night. The gottdang clicker and the doggone typer!! Woooooeee! Then we’s gunna ride us on a flyin’ bus, Michelle! A flyin’ bus from the Internet!

Well, that plan failed spectacularly as Dr. Lake (like the ocean) soon remembered that he "couldn't do the Internet." You know, I never really truly understood who the target audience for Video Professor (“learn the computer!”) was, until I saw this guy. (P.S. Dr. Video Professor, Ph.D. actually trademarked, "Try My Product!" Seriously, look at the link!)

On the way to the airport, Monica explained her strategy for the race to us (in between sqealing and mispronouncing Palermo like 4 times): "I'll use the dumb blond and the ditz to my advantage, because I'm not stupid." Oooh, good idea honey! Only problem is, you're even more retarded than John and Scott look in their profile picture. Please girl, you're no Janelle Pierzina (the number one lady of reality TV.)

Monica contemplates how to reconcile the black hole information paradox with the laws of quantum physics.

All of the teams made their travel arrangements to Plomorino (that’s not even a real word – I forgot where they’re really going anymore), and the resulting combination of flights and connections and stand-bys and mixups totally confused me. I’m also feeling kind of dizzy. You probably shouldn’t mix bird flu medicine with vodka, but hey, life is short. Anyway, go to www.cbs.com if you want to understand it – they have an entirely accurate, literal, unsarcastic, snark-free “episode summary” that explains all that boring stuff, and will also put you to sleep. (Plus they have a "blog" with commentary from former racers. Geez, get a life, guys!) The point is, BJ and Tyler got there way ahead of everyone, and the rest of the teams were on two other flights about a half hour apart.

But before they left, there was drama at the airport! Oh yes! When kind and gentle Dr. Lake approached Fran to ask her a simple question, she told him to BACK AWAY! Oh no she didn’t! Yes, Mrs. Mummy actually said, “Please step back. Just step back!” My gosh, that was uncalled for. She treated him like he was some sort of hyper-aggressive, woman-abuser or something. Hmm, I’m starting to like you, sassy mummy-lady. Even better was that the oldies were getting on an earlier connection than Dr. Fudd and his wife, but they had no idea. Oh awesome. I can’t wait to hear the insane gat-dog-dang-it gibberish that will most certainly ensue when he finds out. Watch out Michelle. You know it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

Fran, about to open up a can of whoop-ass.

Fast forward to Palermo, and the three teams arriving last are Dr. Turd & wifey, Ray and Yolanda, and the D’s. But we saw in last week’s preview that Mrs. Nerd (I need better names… can someone help?) had a total meltdown at the roadblock, so who knows what might happen. The teams had to make their way to the Teatro something-or-other, but the stick shift was proving to be a major challenge for the ladies from New York. Déjà vu – I’m probably the only one who even remembers Meredith and Maria from Queens. They only lasted two episodes until the “drive a car” challenge did them in. There’s something exceptionally entertaining about watching people freak out when they can’t figure out how to drive a car, though – I was cracking up (in my hospital bed, while in a coma, of course... cough... gobble gobble... cough) while watching the Glamazon-car-meltdown. At least Joni didn’t say “you were supposed to do the shift-er and I was supposed to do the turn-er!”

Once in Palermo, the teams were faced with this week’s detour: Foundry or Laundry. I’m not exactly sure what a foundry is, but I think it has something to do with a giant bell, because the task involved carrying a giant bell. A 110-pound bell, to be exact, which coincidentally is also the exact weight of each of Ray’s buttcheeks.

Baby got back!

Most of the teams opted for the other option, laundry, since the bell thing was literally impossible unless you had He-Man Ray or Joseph on your team. Mmmm, you boys can carry my bell anytime! Or ring my bell? Which is sexier? How about spank my bell? Yeah, I like that.

The laundry task involved searching through lots of laundry that was hanging on a bunch of old-school alley clotheslines for little clues hidden inside the clothes. BJ and Tyler arrived first, since they were like 3 hours ahead. And I’m sure all of you noticed their choice of t-shirts. I sure did!

But really now, the lettering is way too small, and it just doesn’t look right without boobs. Here’s what it’s supposed to look like:

Nice try, though, boys!

So back to the laundry fun, the hippies, fratboys and mummies all had a relatively easy time. Geekazoids (who I do actually like), Lori and Dave, did not. Cue breakdown #1. Lori starts semi-freaking out and the perfectly-love-dovey-geeky-fatty couple starts getting snippy with each other. Uh oh, trouble in dweebadise? In fact, the laundry challenge takes them so long that the last two teams, Dr. & Mrs. Clicker-Typer and the pinkies, both arrive on the scene and it’s a Sicilian clothesline free-for-all.

Fortunately for Lori and Dave, they found a clue, narrowly escaping a full geekazoid-meltdown (for now). Now it’s just turds vs. boobs, and as ~~Toni Ferrari~~ superstar reality diva Toni Ferrari (I’m pretty sure that’s either her John Travolta in drag) would say, “IT’S ON!!!” Well much to my chagrin, the turds found it first. But, boobs found one too, and only moments later! They’re (at least according to the editing) still in it!!

Laundry Lady: Run boobies, run!!

So off to the detour everyone went. But wait! CAUTION, YIELD AHEAD!! Oh noooooooooo!! Will anyone actually use it? And will the producers actually have a Yield in an elimination leg for a change?

Somehow, Ray and Yolanda managed to get completely lost and take about 27 wrong turns, and completely wasted all of the time they made up after Hercules-Ray spanked my bell. I mean completed the detour. So Dr. and Mrs. Yokel arrived at the Yield ahead of BOTH Dani & Danielle and Ray & Yolanda. Yet, they chose to Yield the D’s anyway, a choice I did not comprehend. Arriving second-to-last, Danielle and Dani immediately freaked out when they saw that they had been Yielded and launched into a teary-eyed, Staten Island-esque, anti-Southern hick tirade. (Sometimes I amaze myself with how many adjectives I can cram into one sentence). “They’re hicks from the South and they’re jerkoffs,” said Dani, so eloquently. Yes, they may be jerkoffs, but they’re the only thing close to “villains” this season. And without any villains, what the hell would I write about? I’d have to resort to making Weaver jokes again.

The roadblock this week seemed relatively simple: assemble a statue-puzzle of a naked Greek dude. While Eric was working on assembling the naked man, Jeremy offered to take off his shirt to help him out. Unfortunately, he didn’t actually do it. But really, it wasn’t necessary, since he posted shirtless pictures of himself on something called “the Internet” for the whole world (except for Lake) to see:

Everything you ever wanted to know about Jeremy.

The trick, of course to this puzzle was that there were two extra, useless pieces. That kind of confused most of the teams at first, but boy did it throw Lori off. I mean, I thought she might have some trouble with the statue, since she’s used to seeing naked male bodies that are enormous, round and sweaty, rather than normal-shaped. But, in fact, it was the extra pieces that pushed her over the edge. “IT DOESN’T FIT” she screamed in such a total-geekmonster-freakout way that it totally reminded Dave of the first time they tried to have sex. Of course, that was because he was using.…. No wait, that joke is way over the line. Censor yourself, Linda. You don’t need the FCC all over this blog.

Anyway, you would think with all of the stress Lori experiences on a day-to-day basis at her job (she is an Assistant Manager at Pizza Hut, after all), she’d know how to pull it together. Finally, after assembling and disassembling the naked dude like 3 times, Lori finally realized that there might just be two extra pieces. Yay, Lori! I like them, I was actually sad to see her cry. No, not really. I love when people cry and scream in despair. What’s wrong with me? And I really enjoyed Phil’s subtle “you’re so goddamn fat” dis when he said something about “giving them a workout” when they arrived at the pit stop. I love you, Phil.

Prelude to a cheesy bites breakdown.

After yielding the pinkies, Lake seemed WAY too excited to be assembling the naked dude. I mean, he always seems way too excited, but this was like WAY over the edge. YEAH!!!!! He kept screaming, blabbering something about taking anatomy class and being a dentist. Um, it’s just a friggin’ human body you jerkoff-hick. Everyone has one, you don’t have some special advantage because you took an anatomy class. The only difference is, on most guys, the thing under that leaf is actually visible without a microscope.

Anyway, Dr. & Mrs. Micropenis did finish the roadblock rather quickly, and it was down to just Ray and Yo vs. D and D. Yolanda worked quickly, while Dani struggled, and despite an editing fakeout that made us think that they might still be neck-and-neck, I think the big butts pretty much whooped the big boobs. And for a change, the Yield actually eliminated someone.

So, once again, any hope of an all-female victory is gone. Such a sad day for all of the women of TAR, and all of the women in the world, really. Dag-nabbit Karen, you ruined everything! I bet if there was a cheeseburger on top of that damn cliff we’d be millionaires now. Oh well.

So who do I root for now? I think Eric and Jeremy, despite their super-cheezy Myspace profiles. I like them. Or maybe the geekazoids. They’re kind of awesome, too, even though Dave’s face-sweat makes me barf. What do all of you think? Who are you rooting for?

P.S. Don't forget that next week, THE AMAZING RACE moves to it's new time slot on Wednesdays at 8:00 pm EST!!!

Catching up is hard to do

2006-03-31T16:24:06Z

As some of you may have noticed, I have not posted anything on Just Us Moms! in almost two months. It was heartwarming to read all of our loyal readers messages of concern (actually, the gist of the emails was more like, “why haven’t you been posting recaps ON TIME, you lazy bitches??!?” But I’ll pretend you were all just worried about me).

The truth is… I had bird flu. It’s true. Seriously, don’t ever have the popcorn chicken at the Bangkok KFC. It may be yummy, but trust me, you dont want these little buggers inhabiting you for two months. Anyway, I have, for the most part, recovered, but don’t you feel BAD for scolding me about the timeliness of our recaps now?? Hmmm? How heartless are you? Bastards.

Anywho, Karen has been doing her best to write the recaps solo while I was in intensive care, but now we’re two whole episodes behind. So what to do? Well, since episode 4 was on almost a week and a half ago, I’m pretty sure none of you even give a creaaaaap (Big ups to my Godlewski gals! Your season may have sucked, but I still love you) about reading a recap anymore, so I’ll sum it up with the shortest recap ever, after the jump!

]]> You’re still racing!

Oh shoot!

Off to Germany!

WALL OF DEATH! (Don’t you wish the Weavers had to do THAT one?)

Gnomes!

Horrendously obnoxious product placement!

More roadblocks featuring dancers in ethnic garb!

Smashing bottles!

Mummies dancing!

Wanda and Desiree eliminated!

Aww….

Yeah, that was totally lame. Sorry. A REAL RECAP of this week's (hopefully it’s still “this week” by the time I finish the damn thing) episode is coming soon, I promise!! And now that the bird flu has subsided and I am more "regular," you can expect the recaps to be, too!

The end is nowhere in sight!

2006-03-15T17:02:51Z

Well last night was certainly exciting, wasn't it? But not nearly as exciting as whatever that zero-gravity, driving really fast around the racetrack up-on-the-walls thing is that happens next week. Wow.

The contestants had to leave Brazil with a grand exit, jumping a zip line that showed them a beautiful view of Brotas, Brazil, right before reading the clue that tells them they have to travel over 7000 miles to freezing cold RUSSIA!

It was then an auto race to the bus station, where they would take a charter bus to Brotas and then onto the Sao Paolo airport. Unfortunately for Lake and Michelle, "SHUT UP" got in the way of their teamwork and they became lost on the way to the bus station. Parked in a corn field, Lake stood on the hood of his car, trying to see the right direction. Michelle told him to get down because he was denting the roof of the car. Rather than admit he was wrong, Brock told Michelle not "get ugly" with him, and fumed along in silence. Poor Michelle, if only she had competed with her sister or her kid or something.

]]> It was a long flight to Russia, and when they arrived, language was a major problem, as apparently few people in Moscow speak English! Fortunately Wanda was able to communicate by telling her cab driver to open "el trunk," which he understood perfectly.

The Hippies arrived first at the Roadblock, which involved taking off all your clothes and standing in the freezing cold so that the teams would truly appreciate the climate change from Brazil. Then, once they were in little bathing suits (oo la la... Lake looked almost good enough to counteract his bad personality), they had to climb up onto a ten meter high diving board and jump into a warm swimming pool in front of a bunch of jeering Russian Olympic swimmers.

Eric: "Yolanda hurry up! My nipple ring is stuck to my side and it hurts!"

The diving challenge was going smoothly, with mostly the weaker team members choosing to do it, since it was more about guts than stamina. However, Mom Wanda ran into big problems because of her "fear of deep water." This was probably not the Roadblock for her, since she didn't "know how to dive down." Daughter Desiree, to her credit, was very encouraging, and Wanda eventually overcame her fear with the emotional support of Desiree and lots of tall buff Russian men.

Next came a Detour that seemed an awful lot like a Roadblock. The teams had to choose between washing buses and searching through hundreds of Russian dolls for a microscopic clue. But the dolls were not alone. There was also a traditional Russian orchestra playing dance music for a group of dancers that circled around the searching teams, veering close enough to brush them with brightly colored scarves. I think Linda would have lost her cool!

Obviously most of the teams went for the bus washing, however, there was one problem: No cab driver in all of Moscow knew where the bus depot was, meaning many teams switched Detours at the last minute. Linda and I suspect that the producers chose a difficult-to-find bus station because they had paid the wonderful Russian band and dancers to perform and needed some teams to show up for the doll challenge. That reminds me of the Bata Shoe Museum challenge in Toronto at the end of last season. All those models don't work for free!

Yolanda searches the Russian dolls and wonders why the traditional Russian dancers don't wear more Spandex.

With some teams still washing buses and poor Fran and Barry still searching through all those dolls, Eric and Jeremy were the first to arrive at what they thought was the pitstop, only to have Phil tell them that the leg wasn't over. Oh the suspense of a "To Be Continued..." I could be wrong, but I think this is the earliest extended leg in the history of The Amazing Race. It's pretty expensive to keep all the teams around that long, but the suspense is worth it. We are on the edge of our seats... How are the rest of you holding up?

Farewell tall ladies

2006-03-08T16:14:18Z

Hey everybody! Since Linda's TiVo is broken, I'm going to write the recap this week, but I'm afraid I won't have all her hilarious screen caps, so just bear with me.

"Lisa, ah just peed mah paaaants. No, ah reeealy deeeud."

First I want to say how excited I am about this season of The Amazing Race! The first two episodes have been thrilling, making the contestants first traverse a huge, traffic-choked city and then dive directly into the wilderness. And next week they will have their first mind-numbing equalizer roadblock that involves searching through hundreds of Russian nesting dolls! I can't wait for that one. Perhaps they will also have to eat some very spicy Russian soup as well.

But back to last night's episode!

]]> It was a very physical day for all the teams, leaving most of them more exhausted than Fran's brain after trying to put together that motorcyle for hours last week. Some teams took a slightly easier road at the Detour by distilling ethanol from sugar cane using traditional scientific devices. Of course self-proclaimed "Nerds In Love" David and Lori got a real charge out of that challenge, with David even remarking that he did that exact experiment in science class. These two have tickled me since the beginning... It's nice to see young people so unafraid of professing their feelings for one another. It's almost as heartwarming as hearing hippies BJ and Tyler say "hot dog" every two seconds.

"Oh David, this reminds me of how we met! Except the crank was a little smaller and we were in Kansas..."

The only other teams to refine the sugar cane were mother/daughter team Wanda and Desiree and the "Glamazons" (my personal favorites!) Lisa and Joni. Both the Nerds and the mother/daughter finished well, but somehow the Glamazons fell behind. They had major car trouble and navigational problems, and I think that contributed to their falling into last place. At least Joni didn't pee herself this week like she did last episode after disembarking from the helicopter in Sao Paolo.

Even if the science experiment put the two glamorous ladies into last place, it was probably a wise choice judging by the physical challenge, which was basically a repeat of the challenge where I lost the Race for Linda and myself in Season 5. It involved scaling a cliff using a device called an "ascender," which requires both upper and lower body strength, plus a good deal of coordination and stamina. I actually couldn't bear to watch parts of it, especially when Senior Fran was struggling with the technique and it looked like her leg might pop right off. I had to stare down into my Cherry Coke and force back tears. If only...

Come on Karen!!! CLIMB!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! CLIMB!!!!!!!! Oh, shoot.

Fran did eventually make it to the top of the cliff (just like I did!) and her husband Barry didn't exactly sprint up after her. They were both worried about being eliminated, and I was too, having grown to like both of them over the last two weeks. However, somehow the Glamazons managed to finish after them and were eliminated. It will always remain a mystery to me exactly how they managed to be so slow, but at least they finished ahead of the annoying gays last week. I did enjoy hearing John standing in the streets of Sao Paolo manically yelling "No one wants to help us!!" But only for one episode.

As for Lisa and Joni, I am sorry to see the only all-older-lady team go. I guess Linda and I will have to pin our hopes on either Wanda and Desiree, who are great competitors and also speak Spanish, which is a big help; or on Dani and Dani, who wear matching outfits, and that is perhaps the truest way to our hearts. However, those two need to watch it and try not to act like huge skanks or they may lose our endorsement.

"Evuh since ah first saw theeus show, ah wanted to do theeus." Poor Lisa... at least you didn't go out trying to scale an impossibly tall sheer face of rock with your disappointed partner looking on.

Bring on the overcrowded trains of Calcutta!

2006-02-28T18:37:46Z

Tonight is the premiere of an all-new season of The Amazing Race and Linda and I have been planning what could possibly be our biggest party yet. It's because we have really high hopes this time having seen all the exciting previews, and we still remember how TAR used to be a good show.

Let me tell you, it's been a pretty boring winter here in Palmdale, CA, so we're about ready for some travel to exotic places! After last season's utterly disappointing Family Edition, Linda and I are ready to follow Phil Keoghan to somewhere that doesn't involve Revolutionary War reenactments. Let's put more dating Christian models in close quarters with brown and black people! More eating of revolting regional cuisine! Remember the goulash? Now that took guts, literally. For all the flack I gave Freddy and Kendra, I do have to say he must have really wanted it badly to lick up his own barf for the sake of his team. Yuck!

Anyway, we look forward to hearing everyone's thoughts on the episode later on. I've got an ice-cold bottle of Cherry Coke in the fridge and I'm ready for a super fun night!

Fresh (Adult!) Faces

2006-02-03T19:38:20Z

Are you all excited about Season Nine of The Amazing Race? Well, I AM!!! With less than four weeks until the two hour season premiere on February 28, I decided to head over to the show's website to meet the new teams!

So while browsing the fascinating biographies of the pairs that we'll soon come to love or hate, I had all of these thoughts in my head. Some were funny, some were totally obnoxious and mean, and others were totally stupid. A few were a combination of all three! Well, I thought, I can't keep these comments to myself. I have to share them with all three loyal readers of Just Us Moms! So, I decided to post them for you!

Just so you know, these comments all came right off the top of my head (or out of my you-know-what). None of them are really true. Don't get your panties in a bunch being all offended. I was basically plastered when I wrote all of this. With that in mind, read my thoughts on next season's players, AFTER THE JUMP!

]]> LAKE & MICHELLE
Married Parents

Lake & Michelle are a close-knit married couple from Hattiesburg, Mississippi. They met as freshmen in college (They’re actually brother and sister. The whole “meeting in college” thing is a lie) and have been married for 13 years. (Michelle turns 22 next week!)

Lake is a dentist who has limited traveling experience outside of the United States. While he describes himself as energetic and motivated, Michelle notes that he's your typical Type A personality, very impatient and always looking for ways to do it better. (He beats her. And smiles while he does it.)

Michelle is a stay-at-home mother of three who works (Isn't the definition of "stay-at-home" that you, like, don't work?) part-time in Lake's office. She claims that she's much more laid back than her husband and hopes this won't cause friction between the two while taking part on THE AMAZING RACE. Michelle sees herself as being loyal, kind and loving and is running the Race to prove to herself and Lake that she's capable of accomplishing things. (So he’ll stop beating her.)

While Lake & Michelle are both aware of their personality differences, they feel they work well together and hope their differences will actually help them as they travel the world on the Race. (They won’t. He’ll just have to open up an extra big can of whoop-ass when they get home, because SHE MADE THEM LOSE.)

DANIELLE & DANI
Childhood Friends

Danielle & Dani are childhood friends hailing from Staten Island, New York. (Umm, duh. Look at their hair.) The two beauties (loud, annoying skanks) met over 10 years ago and have been inseparable ever since. (Danielle likes to touch her "K" to Dani's "P.")

Outgoing and talkative (loud, annoying and skanky), Danielle, who recently graduated from St. Johns University with a degree in Speech Pathology (but is now a cocktail waitress in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn), has limited experience when it comes to traveling abroad and is eager to see what this globetrotting adventure has to offer. (Notice they said “globetrotting.” Please watch this season, it won’t suck like the last one.)

Dani recently graduated at the top of her class (of Applied Cocktail Waitressing students) from Wagner College. She describes herself as being fun-loving, wild and eager (loud, annoying and super-skanky) to get out of Staten Island. Like her teammate, Dani also hasn't traveled very much. (She has never left “the island.” The subway is scary!) She hopes the Race will provide her with the chance to explore all the different cultures in the world. (Don’t forget it’s INTERNATIONAL this time!)

Armed with bold personalities (big boobs) and a fearless attitude (tight pink t-shirts), the duo believes that anything is possible with good looks and thick accents, which they aren't afraid to use if it helps them to win the $1 million prize. (Oh my gaaaad. I think they're preaaastitutes!)

BJ & TYLER
Best Friends

BJ & Tyler are bohemian best buds (They smoke SO much pot it’s scary) who first met four years ago during the Semester at Sea program, where they shared the experience of sailing around the world. (They actually just got really high, fell off the boat, and got kicked out of the program) One of their most memorable moments was starting a dance party in the streets of downtown Guilin, China, which turned into a mass gathering of hundreds of Chinese men. (The first ever circuit party in Guilin, China) They have been friends ever since, whether bouncing on trampolines (getting unimaginably high) at Burning Man or spontaneously swimming (while extremely high on drugs -- not reccomended) in the San Francisco Bay.

BJ (which stands for Bobby Jon, but that name is so played out) is a graduate of Harvard University, while Tyler graduated from UC Santa Cruz after completing two semesters abroad--one in Hungary, the other in South Africa. Both have traveled the world extensively and speak several languages including Spanish and Japanese. (Yay, the battle of the inbred hicks versus the cultured potheads!)

Both BJ and Tyler share a love of adventure (pot), travel (their bongs), and good times (pot). After graduating from college, BJ moved to California to pursue surfing, karate and frisbee. (Um, yeah. Need I say more?) Meanwhile, Tyler fell in love with a Japanese girl (Ami, of Puffy AmiYumi) and decided to impress her by walking the 2000-mile length of Japan. (Afterwards, he realized she was just inside his TV. Damn, he was way too high.)

Their primary motivation for taking part in THE AMAZING RACE is to share in the adventure of racing around the world, meeting new people and, of course, winning $1 million. (To buy $1 million of weed.)

RAY & YOLANDA
Dating

Ray & Yolanda have been dating for five years. An accomplished athlete, Yolanda ran track with Ray's cousin at the University of Florida. One day while visiting his cousin at the track, Ray was introduced to Yolanda, but it wasn't until later that the two were reacquainted and exchanged phone numbers. (Because he naturally assumed that she was a lesbian. Duh, she ran track!)

Natives of Florida, Ray & Yolanda now reside in Chicago, Illinois. Yolanda grew up in Gainesville, Florida and was a math and science teacher in Miami before she recently moved in with Ray, who is originally from Jacksonville. After receiving his law degree from the University of Miami and practicing law in South Florida, Ray accepted a position as an attorney in Chicago. (Whoa, these two have the crookedest eyes! They look like Shannen Doherty, except they’re not white!)

While Ray is said to be the more disciplined of the two, both describe themselves as opinionated and stubborn. Yolanda admits that she has a bit of trouble finishing what she's started and Ray claims that she often runs late. Nevertheless, Yolanda & Ray enjoy working out together and are looking forward to the adventure of the Race and the thrill of competition. (Hmm, I can’t think of any more obnoxious comments to make. I have a feeling this is going to be the team everyone’s going to be rooting for. Or they’ll be eliminated first. I haven’t decided yet.)

JOHN & SCOTT
Lifelong Friends

John & Scott met in high school (on the short bus) and have been friends for more than 25 years. The men differ in that John admits to being too controlling (of his bowels) at times where Scott is not controlling (of John’s bowels) at all.

John, who is single (gay), lives in Boston, Massachusetts (gay-land), where he works as a wealth manager and (big ol’ gay) artist. He also plans to pursue a career in real estate (poodle cosmetology) one day. When he's not working, John enjoys spending time on Cape Cod (gay) with his two Great Danes (“bears”), Hector and Percy. His proudest accomplishments include purchasing and renovating his 1883 brownstone and completing the Boston to New York AIDS 250-Mile Bike Ride (with lots of gays).

Scott, who is in sales (he’s a Mary Kay lady), currently resides on Cape Cod, Massachusetts. He describes himself as a fun and gregarious person whose personal motto is "live, live, live." (omg, so frickin’ gay) He claims that the most exciting moment in life has yet to happen. (It involves Jake Gyllenhaal, a cucumber and a big tub of vaseline)

The lively duo share memories from road trips they've taken to New York City (no gays there, right?) and Provincetown, Massachusetts (hmmm). However, you won't hear of any far off places that they've traveled to because John has a fear of flying and hasn't been on a plane in over eight years! (You picked a great show to be on, you big gay dumbass) One of the main reasons for going on the Race is John's hope that he will overcome his fears while both friends will be able to see the world together. (P.S. – they’re gay. The photo suggests that they're possibly also retarded.)

DAVID & LORI
Dating

David & Lori are a couple from Manhattan, Kansas (They’re actually from Brooklyn, Kansas. They just say they’re from Manhattan to sound cool) who have been dating for three years. (On the internet. They have never actually met. But they have shared some very intimate IMs) Although Lori is ready to get married, David would like to get his career off the ground before he ties the knot. (He’s actually just afraid that if they have sex, she’ll die.)

Describing himself as intelligent and compassionate, David has done little traveling (because he’d have to buy a seat on the plane for each buttcheek), but is eager to explore the world. He received Bachelor's of Arts and Science degrees (Um, let’s not pretend it’s two degrees, mmmkay?) from Kansas State University. A musician who is very involved with his local underground music scene, David's many bands (Two degrees and MANY bands!) have released three full length CDs and have played in several local music festivals and venues across the country. His one phobia is heights. (He’s actually just afraid that whatever’s holding him up so high will break.)

An assistant manager at Pizza Hut (Someday she’ll be a full manager! Someday!), Lori says she is energetic, understanding and willing. She also believes herself to be more spontaneous than her partner, who is more reserved and likes to have a plan (in other words, he is fat and lazy). Nevertheless, they look forward to working together as they travel around the world and learn about different cultures on THE AMAZING RACE. (Hopefully he won’t eat her. Actually I hope he does! That would be the coolest roadblock ever!!)

JEREMY & ERIC
Friends

Jeremy & Eric, best friends from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, met while running college track at Johnson County Community College. Both are admittedly cocky, very competitive and strong athletes. They are avid volleyball players who frequently compete in local tournaments. (Are they hot? I haven’t decided yet.)

Sarcastic and patient, Jeremy is well-traveled and ready for the adventure of a lifetime. He works as a valet (Park my car, bitch! Yeah, that’s hot) and is hoping the Race will help him to make something of his life. (Don’t count on it pretty boy.)

Eric, who works as a waiter and a bartender, has little experience traveling outside of the United States. A two-time NJCAA Track and Field All American in the pole vault, Eric describes himself as being athletic and outgoing. His biggest pet peeve about his teammate is that Jeremy won't take criticism. (Jeremy, I told you that Old Navy Performance Fleece makes you look fat! Why won't you listen to me?)

The former collegiate athletes hope their physical abilities will help carry them past the competition to the $1 million prize. (I just hope they make them do something in speedos while touching each other. Please consult the producers of The Gauntlet for suggestions.)

FRAN & BARRY
Married 40 Years

Fran & Barry (aka Don & Mary Jean aka Meredith & Gretchen) have known each other for 45 years and have been married for over 40. The proud parents of two children (ages 67 and 73), this adventure-loving couple makes their home in Summit County, Colorado. Although they travel a lot, the word “vacation” is not a frequently used term in their home. They prefer to refer to their trips around the world as “adventure travel.” (Oh they’re so athletic and well-traveled and savvy! But they’re 106 years old!)

Fran, who is 61 years old (as of February 1964), is a retired accountant who describes herself as having a positive outlook on life (“I’m 106 and still alive! Yay!”). Fran enjoys skiing, biking, and hiking and has climbed all of Colorado’s 54 14ers, which are the Colorado mountain peaks that exceed 14,000 feet. Fran admits that she’s running THE AMAZING RACE to show that “old people” can compete just as well as most 25 year olds. (25 year old paraplegics)

Barry (it would be more fun if he had a name like Leslie, so I could make old lesbian jokes like I did with Meredith and Gretchen), who is 63 years old (if a year had 24 months), thrives on challenging himself and loves to compete (at shuffleboard). A retired urologist and former battalion surgeon with the 173rd Airborne Brigade in Vietnam (The Civil War), Barry describes himself as outgoing and dependable (and very, very old). His biggest disappointment with regards to Fran was that she refused to bungee jump from a bridge in New Zealand. (Because it was in 1823, and bungee cords were made out of the intestines of dead slaves) Although he does point out that she made good by agreeing to skydive (once planes were invented).

Having traveled to more than 45 countries together, these high school sweethearts are hoping their previous traveling experience will give them an advantage over the other Teams. (Except we all know it won’t. But oh how I will get my hopes up and cry when they are eliminated. Boo hoo.)

LISA & JONI
Sisters

Lisa & Joni are sisters (Wait, they’re not a lesbian couple? Maybe they just mean “sisters” in, you know, that way) who have lived apart from one another for almost 20 years. (OK, I guess they’re really sisters.) After their father passed away, Joni opted to stay in Texas with their mom, while Lisa moved to Florida. The sisters hope their experience on THE AMAZING RACE will help them to reconnect with one another and make up for lost time.

Lisa, who lives in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida, is also a mother of two and has been married for seven years. (Not to Joni) Several years ago, Lisa accomplished her longtime goal of opening her own art gallery. She's an avid artist who enjoys anything creative and describes herself as smart, determined and competitive.

Joni, who resides in Katy, Texas, is the mother of two and has been married for 10 years. (To a man, seriously!) She has never traveled outside of the United States and is quite eager to see what the world has to offer. Funny and headstrong (like Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres. And Karen. Karen is a lezzie! Karen is a lezzie!), Join (Join? Um, proofread, CBS!) claims to be a people person who is much more patient than her teammate. (BTW, Karen’s not really a lezzie.)

This outgoing twosome are loud, rambunctious, and each stand over six feet tall. (Amazon lezzie sisters! Woo, I love them already!) If they win the $1 million prize, both Lisa & Joni admit that they would like to get some plastic surgery. (To remove the bottom halves of their legs, and reconnect their feet at the kneecaps.)

JOSEPH & MONICA
Dating

Joseph & Monica have been dating (Are they Dating/Models? I think so!) for the past three years. This fun-loving (They luvs the alcohol!) couple met at a local bar (Hah! Told you.) in Fayetteville, Arkansas during college when Joseph claims he "just about broke his neck (he popped a major woody) when Monica walked through the door (stumbled drunkly over to him and puked on his shoes)." After a brief separation for a few months (ok, who banged somebody else?), they missed each other tremendously and decided to give their relationship a second try. They've been together ever since. (That was three days ago)

Joseph describes himself as confident and funny, while Monica is independent and tenacious. Born and raised in the South, the couple shares a love of country music, wakeboarding (WTF is wakeboarding?) and traveling. Joseph's proudest accomplishment has been building and selling his first home. (Mmm, you can build my home, Joseph! And sell it! Yeah baby! That was supposed to sound sexual. I don’t think it worked.)

Although Monica's primary motivation for taking part on THE AMAZING RACE is to pay off her student loans (jump start her “modeling” career), both she and Joseph are eager to take part in an experience that will bond them for life. (They’ll be lucky if they get to episode 4 without breaking up)

WANDA & DESIREE
Mother and Daughter

Wanda & Desiree are a mother and daughter Team (with a capital “T”! Watch out people!) with a close-knit bond. Both women have a great sense of humor and enjoy shopping, traveling and cooking.

Wanda, a corporate trainer, is married and lives in Smyrna, Georgia. Fluent in Spanish, Wanda has previously lived in New York and Puerto Rico. One of the accomplishments for which Wanda is most proud is earning two college degrees (For real! Not like David’s fake “degrees”) while raising her daughter. More recently, Wanda was able to share in the excitement of watching Desiree graduate from NYU.

Desiree resides in New York City where she works as a writer. (AKA waitress. Unless you count writing a stupid blog that nobody reads. Hey, look at me! I’m a writer too!) Currently in a steady relationship, she describes herself as passionate and artistic. (She cries a lot) An only child, her biggest pet peeve about her mother is that she tends to be overprotective. (Which makes her cry.)

Although they are definitely playing to win, Wanda & Desiree also hope to expand their knowledge of different cultures while seeing the world on THE AMAZING RACE. (I’m rooting for you, ladies -- you go girls!)

That's it! What do all of you think of the new teams?

Martha whoops Tyra's bootay

2006-01-13T22:50:56Z

I'm talking about ratings, of course, although I'm sure M. Diddy could take her down in a fight, too.

Sorry I'm a little behind the times with this -- I've been in near-hibernation since the Amazing Race finale, at least blog-wise. The reality-TV pickins are slim in January, but I've still been watching my Martha! And it seems like other people have too, as the show's ratings have picked up a bit over the last few months, and it's been renewed for another season.

Thank God! I personally love the show -- it's much more "real Martha" than the fake-ish, uber-scripted Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Where else could I learn how to make the most complicated and delicious cake ever (I've set aside 36 hours this weekend to prepare one myself), while listening to Martha and Fran Drescher discuss how much they love to date men who are much, much younger than them?

If only Martha would have Phil Keoghan on her show, my life would be complete.

The AmazinGrace

2005-12-16T20:49:15Z

Many of our readers have written to us to ask if we know why the Weaver family signed up for The Amazing Race in the first place. They never really seemed that into it, exemplified by their obvious disinterest in even completing the Stade Olympique challenge during the finale.

Well, some investigative reporting has uncovered yet another Just Us Moms! exclusive – the Weaver family never even meant to sign up for The Amazing Race!! Linda just wanted to enroll her children in the Camp Overton Summer Camp for Christian Youth (where radios are allowed, but to play Christian music ONLY).

But instead, Linda mistakenly applied for the CBS reality series rather than the Tennessee Jesusfest, and the rest is history. It’s a good thing for Rebecca and Rachel, because I don’t think the counselors at the First Church of God in Murfreesboro would have taken too kindly to their booty-shorts-wearin’ ways, anyway.

Rolly's Christmas Wish

2005-12-15T16:14:41Z

Yes, Rolly, there is a Santa Claus!

The Amazing Race: Family Edition was so boring that everyone is hoping for something better next time. Rolly Weaver, one of this season's third place finishers and soon-to-be forgotten blond heartthrob of 8-to-14 year old young ladies across North America, has even asked Santa for a return to the tried-and-true format in Season Nine.

Well, Rolly, it looks like Santa was listening, because as Just Us Moms! reader Terry pointed out, Phil gave us a little preview of The Amazing Race 9 at the end of the finale on Tuesday! I was so ~~tired~~ drunk by the end of the two-hour long episode that I completely missed it. But a quick review of my TiVo confirmed that it was there, and it looks like we can expect a return to the Amazing Race that we've all grown to love.

Some highlights of what we can look forward to in February of 2006, after the jump!

]]> Season Nine of The Amazing Race will have....

Airplanes!

Foreign countries!

Teams of two (with cocktails)!

Crazy ladies!

and

Whatever the heck this thing is!

Ooooh, I'm excited already! Thanks Santa!

Le fin

2005-12-14T20:27:08Z

Well, it’s finally over! After slipping into a coma what seems like years ago in some park called Pennsylvania, and dying a slow, painful death since its visit to the world’s largest office chair, The Amazing Race: Family Edition is finally dead. Hopefully the massive decline in ratings has taught the show’s producers that the tried-and-true format of two-person, adult teams traveling around the world is what works, and next season we can get back to the good times of spicy-soup eating and fighting with African cab drivers.

In the meantime, though, let’s take one more trip down Family Edition memory lane, with a look back at the ~~mildly exciting~~ not totally coma-inducing two-hour season finale!

]]> The race resumed on some ranch (of course) in Eastern Montana, where Phil’s disembodied voice told us that “cattle and sheep outnumber people by the millions.” Perhaps if they ever plan to do an Amazing Race: Cattle and Sheep Edition, this might be the ideal location. Among all of those trillions of cows, there are probably some pretty hilarious regional differences (think pink-clad cows “MAAAAAA-ing”) that would inevitably lead to great reality TV moments. For the record, that idea is MINE, CBS! And don’t you try changing it to Pig Edition or something and pretend I didn’t come up with it!

Anyway, for any sort of Human Edition, this area is totally boring. Thankfully, the families had already visited every single ranch and humongous man-made structure in the continental United States, so it was off to Canada, of course! Ok, it’s not that exotic, but at least somebody might say “aboot” or “paaahhsta” and I can giggle at them.

Since the 1,700 miles between Billings and Montreal was a little far to lug those damn trailers, they actually let the families board airplanes again. This time, they had pre-purchased tickets for them, but they were allowed to try to find faster flights if they wanted. While the Weavers and the Linzes found an itinerary that got them to Montreal an hour earlier than planned, the Bransens wound up on a plane that might have saved them 10 minutes, but ended up being delayed, putting them almost an hour and a half behind the others.

Coincidentally, the Weavers arrived in Montreal just in time for the annual Booty Shorts Expo 2005

The mad dash through the airport wasn’t without its casualties, however, as Alex Linz and Rolly Weaver collided, sending both of them to the floor. It looked like a complete accident to me, but since Linda sees in Weaver-vision (which incidentally, also allows you to see the Virgin Mary in various foods and highway overpasses), she spotted something sinister and screamed out “don’t touch him, get your hands off of him!” in her usual deranged-wacko voice. Sadly, Alex only responded with, “they suck,” rather than my favorite Linz-impersonating-Linda-Weaver voice. Because the only thing funnier than Linda’s deranged-wacko voice is the Linzes impersonation of her deranged-wacko voice.

Once in Montreal, the teams had to travel by taxi to a train station, where they had to locate the “underground city,” and navigate a subterranean complex of passageways to find the basement of the CBP Capital Building.

The Weavers found a cab first, driven by AWESOME Ted, who didn’t seem so awesome at first when Rolly tried to explain that they were in a race by saying, “el fasto!” which of course, doesn’t make sense anywhere, but is even stupider in Canada. “I’m not going to lose my life getting you there,” Senor Ted responded-o. However, the incessant repetition of “Merci, Merci!” and “You’re AWESOME!” and “You’re the man, Ted!” apparently swayed him, because after a few miles they were best buds, and were even praying for directions together.

Well the Lord was apparently having an off day (or was just screwing with them), because after an uneventful stop at the underground city, he led them in the wrong direction on their way to their next stop, the McGill arena. But the Weavers eventually found the right rink, and the Linzes godless heathen cab driver made the same mistake, so the Weavers were able to hold onto their sizeable lead.

This episode’s (first) detour was a choice between two traditional Canadian sports: Slide It or Roll It. Slide It was, of course, the most Canadian of Canadian sports, curling. (Despite the implication in that picture, the women of curling are not all man-beasts, and they do not usually use black people’s afros to sweep the floor.)

In Roll It, two team members at a time had to roll a log (using weird metal claw-like devices) along a track made of other logs. Seriously, this is apparently a sport in Canada. They need to get some Ecstasy up there or something.

Anyway, the Weavers and Linzes opted for Slide It. Despite “not even knowing what ice is except for ice cubes,” (and forgetting to wear pants), the Weavers were actually pretty good at curling.

After finishing with a bulls-eye courtesy of Rolly, the Weaver gals, frostbitten thighs and all, treaded back to find SUPER-COOL-AWESOME Ted, who was waiting outside to take them to their next destination. The Linzes followed shortly thereafter, and they really seemed to be into the curling, even vowing to “open a curling rink in Cincinnati.”

The Bransens, on the other hand, chose the long rolling, most likely because they did not have matching curling outfits.

Seriously, they do this for fun in Canada.

After that exciting introduction to Canadian sports culture, everyone was off to the next destination.

The Worlds Largest Golfball

The next clue was at the top of the world’s largest whatever-it-is, which directed the teams to 2350 Dickson Street, La Porte J. In case you didn’t know, “La Porte J” is French for “Door J.” And “La Crappé Show” is French for “The Amazing Race: Family Edition.”

Inside the very francais door was this weeks Road-blaaahck (oh I miss the Gaaadlewskis), in which one person from each team would have to perform a trapeze maneuver called “the catch,” which really should have been called, “the be caught,” since it basically just involved them swinging off the pole and being caught by a trapeze guy.

The Weavers still had a good lead on everyone, and Rolly volunteered for the fairly boring roadblock. He had no trouble at all, completing in on his first try.

The Linzes were next, and Alex chose to do the roadblock (probably because the trapeze helpers were hot girlies), proving that the task wasn’t so easy after all, especially if you are (in his brothers’ words) a “fat load.”

I like big butts and I cannot lie. Seriously, Alex... call me. Rrowr!

Megan offered some words of encouragement to her fat-ass brother. “Think light! Think feather!” Unfortunately this worked about as well as Bransen Girl’s, “You’re a fish! A skinny fish!” worked on Wally earlier in the season. In other words, it didn’t work, as Alex plopped to the net 2 or 3 times in a row. Probably because light feathers don’t have big fat (sexy) asses.

Eventually, Alex got it, but not until the Bransens had already caught up and the Weavers were long gone (and already driving around Canada screaming “You’re AWESOME, Ted!” and "Dear Lord, please help Ted stay so AWESOME!" every 30 seconds).

The next destination on their Canadian adventure was the Stade Olympique, which absolutely nobody could pronounce. Both the Weavers and the Linzes tried to Americanize it (pronouncing Stade like “Stayed”), while the Bransens over-French-ified it, calling the stadium the “Stadé Olympiahhhque.” Tres francais!

Much of the Weavers’ lead disappeared as they spent what seemed like forever driving around the Stade looking for the lone entrance. This was probably the result of Linda’s brilliant “always go left, because right is the most common” strategy. Don’t even try to understand that one, it’s WAY over your head.

Eventually everyone found their way inside, and made their way to the clue box at center field, where they learned that they would have to search the Stade’s 56,000 seats for the departure times of three charter planes that would leave the next day.

Note to producers: THIS is my favorite type of TAR task! The incredibly frustrating, partly-luck, partly-strategy task. People always lose it and fun drama ensues. More, please!

After hunting around for what seemed like an eternity, the Linz family was the first to find a departure time. Apparently the strategy part of the task (deciding whether or not to take it) was lost, as everyone was so sick of looking that they just took it, and were locked into a departure time of 5:50.

The Bransens seemed to be going into powder-blue meltdown mode, with Walder ranting about his toe and saying he was going to kick someone’s ass. I was afraid he might lose it and pummel all three Bransen Girls right there, but BG#2 found a time shortly after (5:45), and Wally-beast calmed down.

The Weavers, on the other hand, despite being the first family to arrive, were having no luck finding anything. Perhaps because their “looking for departure times” strategy went something line this:

Rolly was the only one who even seemed to care that they were in the FINAL LEG OF A RACE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS, as he pleaded with his family to keep looking. “Look how many chairs there are, I can’t even count that high,” math-whiz Rebecca responded. Seriously, President Bush, I don’t think that No Child Left Behind thing worked.

“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Except for letting my Mom do my highlights.”

After an abundance of pleading, Rolly convinced his family to keep trying, and they eventually found the last departure time: 5:55 am.

Bright and early the next morning, the teams boarded their charter flights for a mystery destination, which turned out to be Toronto. When the planes landed, they proceeded to the CN tower, where they made the 1,100 foot ascent to the observation deck, and used binoculars to search for the yellow flag.

Next up, Detour #2: Ship or Shoe. This choice seemed obvious, since Ship only required the teams to climb to the top of a rope-ladder-thing on a ship to get a flag, while Shoe involved finding the one woman in a room of 100 barefoot ladies who fit the shoe that they chose.

I don't think it was a coincidence that Toronto General Hospital reported 100 cases of severe Athlete’s Foot that same day.

The Linzes and the Weavers chose Ship, while again, the Bransens went with the opposite. Maybe the producers made them do it because they had already paid the barefoot ladies to show up. Who knows.

Tommy Linz made it up and down the ship-ladder with no problem, and so did Rolly Weaver. The Bransens, on the other hand, seemed to be getting frustrated with their choice of tasks, but eventually found the right feet.

Despite the show’s general boringness, I have to admit I was a little excited at this point. It seemed like anyone could win it, and I was definitely rooting for the Linzes. I like them – they’re fun and competitive. This picture sums them up perfectly – Alex making his patented “insane eyes face,” while Tommy picks his nose.

Anyway, there was some random pointless boat ride in there, which I won’t even explain, because there is no need. It added nothing besides a couple of funny shots of people getting splashed by water.

The teams made their way back to the U.S., to Lewiston, New York (just barely over the Canadian border), where Phil introduced the final roadblock. However, after last week’s TV-MA Roadblock: Find the Balls, the producers will only allow Phil to be shown from the waist up (sort of like Elvis Presley on the Ed Sullivan show). The women of America just can’t handle it.

G rated Phil.

The final task was most appropriate for Family Edition: a giant puzzle of North America.

If only we could have seen the Weavers try to put this together.

Update: Apparently, the Weaver family did not even bother trying to put the puzzle together. Not that it mattered, anyway. (via Reality Blurred)

The Weavers had fallen pretty far behind, so it was down to Wally Bransen versus Nick Linz. It was close, but in the end, little old Rhode Island came between the Bransens and a million dollars, as Nick finished the puzzle while Wally struggled to find the tiniest state.

So the Linz family (incidentally, my pick to win back in August, thankyouverymuch!) won it all, and went back to Cincinnati, where they opened Ohio’s first curling rink. Yay, Linzes!

So, that’s it! The season is finally over! What did all of you think? Are you sad to see it end? Or were you totally sick of it, too?

Well, it looks like Season 9 won’t begin until sometime in February 2006, but in the meantime, Karen and I will periodically weigh in on other shows, so keep checking back – and if there’s anything else you watch that you want to know our thoughts on, let us know!!

Roadblock: Find the balls

2005-12-08T09:05:02Z

Was anyone else distracted during Tuesday's Amazing Race as Phil Keoghan did his traditional walk towards the camera? He was describing the Roadblock in that particular episode of The Amazing Race: FAMILY Edition, which involved searching for colored golf balls, when I noticed something peculiar, even a bit inappropriate for prime time I feel, and even more inappropriate for a "family edition" of anything. Did you notice it, Linda? Am I just crazy? Are Phil's pants just "European cut"?

Here, let's have a closer look:

I think I won the roadblock! My color is khaki! Or maybe it's a pair of ostrich eggs...