November 9, 2005

Linda Ruiz

Faith in God(lewski), Part One

godlewskifinish.jpg

Whew, I am tired today! Was it really necessary to make last night a TAR-doubleheader? You kept me up way past my bedtime, CBS!

This week, the race resumed in sunny Costa Rica where the Paolos led the pack. “I’m trying not to think about the pain in my legs,” said Marion. No, she was not referring to DJ (he is a pain in another body part). I think she just overexerted herself during the mad-dash-to-the-finish last time. Poor Marion.

The first clue directed the teams to travel on foot to a beach where they would have to swim out to a buoy with the next clue attached. Frickin’-Monster Tony volunteered, but despite his impressive performance in “Bananas,” he ran into some difficulty with this one.

“Daddy can swim, he just takes his time,” said Marion. He certainly did take his time, clinging to the buoy and screaming for help until a team of swimmers sailed out to his rescue. Poor Tony. Thankfully his sons were there to offer some helpful advice: “Dad, don’t drown!”

Bransen girl offered an equally helpful suggestion as Wally (or Walder... can someone please explain that one to me? I don’t get it.) dove into the ocean. “You’re a fish! A skinny fish!” Ladies, I tried that one with Karen when she was climbing that big rock. (“You’re a spider! A skinny spider!”) It didn’t work.

My favorite advice, though, was offered by the Godlewski ladies. Even better – it was nonverbal (screams of “come on Sheaaaaaaron” literally made my dog cry last week). Afraid that their sister had forgotten how to swim, the pink ladies demonstrated for her.

godlewskiswim.jpg
Your aaaaarms Sheaaaaron! Use your aaaaarms!

The Weavers were bringing up the rear, and Rolly volunteered to swim to the buoy. Of course, his family didn’t need to offer any advice, since they have a direct VIP link to you-know-who.

weavershorts.jpg
Who loves short shorts? The Lord loves short shorts.

The underwater clue told the teams to travel by taxi to La Iglesia de Metal (the Metal Church). I was really hoping it was a reference to this scary band, and that the teams would have to do some sort of metal-band-Satan-worship challenge, like putting on black makeup and biting the heads off of small animals.

Sadly, it was just a church made of metal. But the teams were greeted by an altar boy with special powers.

altarboy.jpg
Go go gadget clue-hand!

“Holy crap, we gotta go all the way to town,” Marion exclaimed! Poor Marion. Wait a minute, you’re taking a frickin’ taxi. She’s complaining a bit much, but I do love it when she says “holy crap” and when Tony says “unbelievable!” They use them sort of like “Aloha,” you know – they can mean almost anything: hello!, goodbye!, hooray!, go to hell!, whaaaa??!?, fuggetaboutit!!, etc. It’s all about the context.

Side Note (to the editors): Dear editors, Can you please stop splicing in that sound byte of Tony Paolo screaming “son of a bitch!” in every episode? The camera always pans away at the moment he says it. We like creative editing, but we’re not stupid. Cordially, Linda.

The Paolo-isms are certainly better than the Weaver-schtick of adding a frickin' “o” to the end of every word. Wait-o for me-o, yelled Rolly as they raced toward the taxi. Holy crap-o, that’s getting old.

60 crappy frickin' miles later, the teams reached this week’s Detour: Brush or Barrel. In Brush, the teams had to travel 10 miles to an ox cart factory (factoria del cart-o ox-o) and finish decorating two partially-decorated cart wheels with paints. In Brush, they had to travel the same distance to a sugar cane plantation, where they had to load one ton of sugar cane onto a tractor-thing and haul it to a factory a few miles away. Then they had to find the clue hidden in a barrel inside a nearby warehouse.

What the teams didn’t know, was that choosing Barrel had an added twist: a sugar-scented butt. The bumpy tractor ride caused... let’s just say... a very intimate experience between Tommy Linz and a sugary stick. On the plus side: Megan could now look forward to his farting in enclosed spaces. Mmmm, candy farts! ‘Tis the season!

The Paolos also chose Barrel, and strongman-Tony redeemed himself after the swimming fiasco. Hauling huge armfuls of sugar cane, he reminded is that he is... the frickin’ monster. I love his guttural screams as he tossed each pile onto the tractor. So manly. Rrrrowr!

“I’ll have more muscles than I have brains in my head when I’m done with this race,” said Marion. Oh, was she right. Just Us Moms! has obtained this exclusive photo of Marion after the race.

The other three teams (the estrogen majority) opted for Brush, which seemed the sensible choice to me. The pink ladies were having a little too much fun playing with all the pretty colors and trying to make them look perfect, and their twenty minute lead over the Weavers evaporated as the Disoriented Disciples arrived after but finished before them. Come on gals, it’s not a frickin’ art project! Holy crap!

After the Detour, it was back to the aeropuerto and off to... Phoenix, Arizona? Unbelievable! To which Marion Paolo remarked, “Why the hell are we going to Phoenix? I wanna go to New Zealand!” Oh, I so want you to go to New Zealand, too, Marion. But this is TAR:FE (The Amazing Race: Frickin’ [lame] Edition).

The Linz family made it to the airport first and got the very last seats on a Delta Airlines flight that would land in Phoenix at 9:35 the next morning. Lucky them! Except that there was another flight that got in 15 minutes earlier and had plenty of seats remaining. D’oh!

The Weavers seized the opportunity to confront DJ Paolo in the airport about the decision to Yield them, leading to a fun exchange. Rather than giving an honest answer (everyone hates you), DJ told Linda that they chose to Yield them because they were in last place, and it was an effort to “definitively knock a team out.”

The Weavers response:

weavershocked.jpg

Linda then said, “well let’s just be friends, we’ve been nothing but friendly to you.” (Hmmm... I seem to remember otherwise, unless in Florida, “retard” is a term of endearment.)

DJ responded, “Well, right now it’s the final 5...” but Linda cut him off, saying, “Well you don’t have any Yields left and we do, sweets!”

Carissa Gaghan then gave three snaps up (in Z formation), and said, “Oh no she DIDN’T!” Oh snap snap snap!! (I know she was eliminated last week. Shut up. You know she was at home, snapping in her living room.)

While the Linz team was changing planes in Atlanta, the other four families had a stopover in New York. No problemo, except that the connecting airline had no record of the Godlewskis' reservation (which we watched them make on the chaaaarge caaaard just moments in TV-time earlier). Uh oh, major problemo! Actually no, they just hopped over to New York’s sixth borough, Newark, to board another flight that arrived at exactly the same time. Whew!

So all of the teams made it to Phoenix (where incidentally, it was hotter than snot. I need a Dan-Ratherese to English dictionary to understand that one, but I guess snot = hot?) within 15 minutes of each other. Next stop: another raceway! No party bikes this time. Supercarts, instead!

The pink ladies got there first, and the lovely Michelle made quick work of the road-blaaaahck.

michelleracecar.jpg
Only 23 more leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaps!

Obviously, the Weavers were unhappy about this one, but Linda stepped up to the plate. Seeing that the Weaver kids were having a hard time, the pink ladies approached them to try to reassure them that everything would be OK. “Your dad would be proud of you,” Sharon said. As soon as she left, Rebecca Weaver said, “I hate the desperate housewives. They’re so annoying, and they lie.” Oh Rebecca. If they are so awful, why did Jesus name them GODlewski? Hmmmmm?

Despite the best efforts of the editors to make us think that Tommy Linz’s supercart might crash into Linda Weaver (the oh-so-popular dramatic pre-commercial-break shrieking slow-mo bit) causing a fiery explosion that would kill everyone within 50 feet, nothing really happened, and Linda completed the 50 laps with virtually no problem.

The exciting news, though, is that the Godlewskis surged ahead, from near-elimination two weeks ago, to first place! Unbelievable! To my delight, the resulting shrieking and perfectly synchronized bouncing up and down was even pinker and more animated than usual. Holy crap, indeed.

The Weavers finished second, and after making up substantial time at the raceway, the Linz family finished a close third.

The battle for fourth place, though was a truly amazing moment. In fact, I’m sure it will be one of the “Amazing Achievements in Race History brought to you by GMC” (or whatever the heck it's called) that they’ll show during a commercial break for TAR 17. (Of course, by then, no one will see it, because everyone will have TiVo. Screw you, GMC!)

The Paolos arrived at Fort McDowell (the Pit Stop) after finishing the roadblock last, but what they didn’t know was that the Bransens got semi-lost on the way there (the Bransen girls have the Kami & Karli disorder of running around really fast but not knowing where they’re going. You should listen to Walder, girls!) and they had not yet arrived at the Pit Stop.

Assuming that they were last, the Paolos began performing the “underpants on top of underpants on top of pants” ritual, only to be interrupted by the sight of the Bransen car arriving (my screams at the television of “HOLY CRAP! RUN TO THE PIT STOP MARION!!!!” went unheard, except by my neighbors).

The Paolos made a mad dash to the mat (like last time, only sillier looking), and arrived in a triumphant, very-tighty-whitey-clad, fourth-place finish! Unbelievable!

paolofinish3.jpg

The Bransens arrived last, but the Paolos reminded them that it might be a non-elimination leg. After donning all of their (much smaller) underpants, they arrived at the Pit Stop in last place.

bransenfinish2.jpg
Women in underpants do not cry, my dear.

In his best “pretend to look very sad” fakeout voice, Phil greeted them by saying, “Bransen family... You’re the last team to arrive. I’m... PLEASED to tell you this is non-elimination leg!” Oh joy! The ladies and Walder are still in it!

But will they be able to catch up? Find out next week... err... holy crap! Two episodes in a row! I’m way too tired to write another recap, though... so this is all you’ll get for now. Part Deux coming soon, I promise!

Posted by Linda Ruiz in Recap corner on November 9, 2005 5:09 PM



Comments

LMAO! Linda, I LOVE your recaps, they crack me up!

lmfao @ the skinny spider comment! Linda and Karen<333333333

Posted by: Ken at November 9, 2005 6:56 PM

*sigh*...I'm tired of bashing the Weavers...it just gets old so fast.

But...

You guys are the biggest bunch of hypocritical idiots I have ever seen. Gasping when DJ told you they were trying to knock a team out. Well no frickin kidding, that is the point of a yield.

And then...when one of Godlewski sister's takes the time to comfort you at the go kart task, you walk away and snipe at them. Wha's the matter Rebecca, you jealous they have the word god in their name? Sheesh, don't get those shorts in a wad.

Thats my criticism for part one...come on Linda get part two up...I got much more to say about them.

As for my favorite, the Linz siblings. I just gotta say, after watching Tommy absolutely fly around that track, I want to go high speed go kart racing awfully bad now.

Posted by: Andrew at November 9, 2005 6:58 PM