April 1, 2006

Linda Ruiz

Palermo-Palooza!

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This week the race resumed, sans the spicy Latinas, in Munich, Germany. The girl-girl teams (Wanda and Desiree, the Glamazons, John and Scott) haven’t been having much luck thus far. And with the Double D’s in a distant last place, things are looking bleak for a first-ever all-female Amazing Race victory. If only Karen could have pulled herself her big ass up that cliff, we might have a woman president by now. I will never forgive you, Karen. Neither will Carol Moseley-Braun.

Eric and Jeremy were out of the gate first at 2:15 am. I love these guys. And not just because they’re sexy bitches. They’re actually the most entertaining team on the race this season. I wouldn’t have guessed that they’d be so funny when I first saw their profile on the official CBS website. Speaking of the team profiles, I want to pat myself on the back for the completely made up but almost entirely accurate predictions I made before the season even began. I think I’m psychic, at least when I’m drunk.

Anyway, it’s off to Palermo, Italy! Or Palomo (Eric & Jeremy). Or Paylerrmo (Lake). Or Paaaaalermo (Monica, and probably Sheaaaaron Godlewski, too). Or Palomino (Joseph). Or Pa…… ler…… mo (Fran & Barry). Actually the mummies pronounced it correctly, they’re just physically incapable of uttering more than one syllable per second. Come on you dumb turds, haven’t any of you ever heard of Palermo before? If only Bolo had been there, you know he would have screamed, “fly to Papa Gino’s, Italy!”

So off everyone went to the airport to make flight arrangements for the 850-mile journey to Palindrome! Or Paleontology! Or Palau! Oh my god, wouldn’t it have been awesome if Joseph and Monica had flown to Palau by mistake? I bet Stephenie LaGrossa is still wandering around there somewhere, waiting for Survivor 16 to begin filming.

As I was saying (like 5 paragraphs earlier when I started this recap… no wonder these things take me forever to write), Eric and Jeremy were off first, and had quite a lead. Of course, a lead at 2:15 am when your first destination is an airport is basically meaningless, so of course the other teams caught up. And what does one do when stuck at the airport in Munich in the middle of the night? Wheelchair races, of course!

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Either Eric fell or he is being butt-raped by a wheelchair. I can't tell.

Eric wins the gold medal in the wheelchair slalom at the Munich International Airport Special Olympics!!

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Whats better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being a cripple.

While the frat boys and the hippies were having a jolly old time, Lake and Michelle weren’t having none of that. Oh no. “I ain’t racin’ in no doggone cripple-chair, I tell-ya-what” exclaimed Lake as they decided to go use something called “the Internet” to help them find a faster flight. Now, I’m not all tech-savvy so I’m not quite sure what this “Internet” thing is all about, but Lake is a doctor (well, dentist, technically, but close enough), so he must know lots of things us regular folk don’t.

“I’ll do the clicker and you do the typer,” he told Michelle. Seriously. I couldn’t have made up something more dumb-country-hick sounding if I thought about it all night. The gottdang clicker and the doggone typer!! Woooooeee! Then we’s gunna ride us on a flyin’ bus, Michelle! A flyin’ bus from the Internet!

Well, that plan failed spectacularly as Dr. Lake (like the ocean) soon remembered that he "couldn't do the Internet." You know, I never really truly understood who the target audience for Video Professor (“learn the computer!”) was, until I saw this guy. (P.S. Dr. Video Professor, Ph.D. actually trademarked, "Try My Product!" Seriously, look at the link!)

On the way to the airport, Monica explained her strategy for the race to us (in between sqealing and mispronouncing Palermo like 4 times): "I'll use the dumb blond and the ditz to my advantage, because I'm not stupid." Oooh, good idea honey! Only problem is, you're even more retarded than John and Scott look in their profile picture. Please girl, you're no Janelle Pierzina (the number one lady of reality TV.)

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Monica contemplates how to reconcile the black hole information paradox with the laws of quantum physics.

All of the teams made their travel arrangements to Plomorino (that’s not even a real word – I forgot where they’re really going anymore), and the resulting combination of flights and connections and stand-bys and mixups totally confused me. I’m also feeling kind of dizzy. You probably shouldn’t mix bird flu medicine with vodka, but hey, life is short. Anyway, go to www.cbs.com if you want to understand it – they have an entirely accurate, literal, unsarcastic, snark-free “episode summary” that explains all that boring stuff, and will also put you to sleep. (Plus they have a "blog" with commentary from former racers. Geez, get a life, guys!) The point is, BJ and Tyler got there way ahead of everyone, and the rest of the teams were on two other flights about a half hour apart.

But before they left, there was drama at the airport! Oh yes! When kind and gentle Dr. Lake approached Fran to ask her a simple question, she told him to BACK AWAY! Oh no she didn’t! Yes, Mrs. Mummy actually said, “Please step back. Just step back!” My gosh, that was uncalled for. She treated him like he was some sort of hyper-aggressive, woman-abuser or something. Hmm, I’m starting to like you, sassy mummy-lady. Even better was that the oldies were getting on an earlier connection than Dr. Fudd and his wife, but they had no idea. Oh awesome. I can’t wait to hear the insane gat-dog-dang-it gibberish that will most certainly ensue when he finds out. Watch out Michelle. You know it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

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Fran, about to open up a can of whoop-ass.

Fast forward to Palermo, and the three teams arriving last are Dr. Turd & wifey, Ray and Yolanda, and the D’s. But we saw in last week’s preview that Mrs. Nerd (I need better names… can someone help?) had a total meltdown at the roadblock, so who knows what might happen. The teams had to make their way to the Teatro something-or-other, but the stick shift was proving to be a major challenge for the ladies from New York. Déjà vu – I’m probably the only one who even remembers Meredith and Maria from Queens. They only lasted two episodes until the “drive a car” challenge did them in. There’s something exceptionally entertaining about watching people freak out when they can’t figure out how to drive a car, though – I was cracking up (in my hospital bed, while in a coma, of course... cough... gobble gobble... cough) while watching the Glamazon-car-meltdown. At least Joni didn’t say “you were supposed to do the shift-er and I was supposed to do the turn-er!”

Once in Palermo, the teams were faced with this week’s detour: Foundry or Laundry. I’m not exactly sure what a foundry is, but I think it has something to do with a giant bell, because the task involved carrying a giant bell. A 110-pound bell, to be exact, which coincidentally is also the exact weight of each of Ray’s buttcheeks.

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Baby got back!

Most of the teams opted for the other option, laundry, since the bell thing was literally impossible unless you had He-Man Ray or Joseph on your team. Mmmm, you boys can carry my bell anytime! Or ring my bell? Which is sexier? How about spank my bell? Yeah, I like that.

The laundry task involved searching through lots of laundry that was hanging on a bunch of old-school alley clotheslines for little clues hidden inside the clothes. BJ and Tyler arrived first, since they were like 3 hours ahead. And I’m sure all of you noticed their choice of t-shirts. I sure did!

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But really now, the lettering is way too small, and it just doesn’t look right without boobs. Here’s what it’s supposed to look like:

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Nice try, though, boys!

So back to the laundry fun, the hippies, fratboys and mummies all had a relatively easy time. Geekazoids (who I do actually like), Lori and Dave, did not. Cue breakdown #1. Lori starts semi-freaking out and the perfectly-love-dovey-geeky-fatty couple starts getting snippy with each other. Uh oh, trouble in dweebadise? In fact, the laundry challenge takes them so long that the last two teams, Dr. & Mrs. Clicker-Typer and the pinkies, both arrive on the scene and it’s a Sicilian clothesline free-for-all.

Fortunately for Lori and Dave, they found a clue, narrowly escaping a full geekazoid-meltdown (for now). Now it’s just turds vs. boobs, and as Toni Ferrari superstar reality diva Toni Ferrari (I’m pretty sure that’s either her John Travolta in drag) would say, “IT’S ON!!!” Well much to my chagrin, the turds found it first. But, boobs found one too, and only moments later! They’re (at least according to the editing) still in it!!

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Laundry Lady: Run boobies, run!!

So off to the detour everyone went. But wait! CAUTION, YIELD AHEAD!! Oh noooooooooo!! Will anyone actually use it? And will the producers actually have a Yield in an elimination leg for a change?

Somehow, Ray and Yolanda managed to get completely lost and take about 27 wrong turns, and completely wasted all of the time they made up after Hercules-Ray spanked my bell. I mean completed the detour. So Dr. and Mrs. Yokel arrived at the Yield ahead of BOTH Dani & Danielle and Ray & Yolanda. Yet, they chose to Yield the D’s anyway, a choice I did not comprehend. Arriving second-to-last, Danielle and Dani immediately freaked out when they saw that they had been Yielded and launched into a teary-eyed, Staten Island-esque, anti-Southern hick tirade. (Sometimes I amaze myself with how many adjectives I can cram into one sentence). “They’re hicks from the South and they’re jerkoffs,” said Dani, so eloquently. Yes, they may be jerkoffs, but they’re the only thing close to “villains” this season. And without any villains, what the hell would I write about? I’d have to resort to making Weaver jokes again.

The roadblock this week seemed relatively simple: assemble a statue-puzzle of a naked Greek dude. While Eric was working on assembling the naked man, Jeremy offered to take off his shirt to help him out. Unfortunately, he didn’t actually do it. But really, it wasn’t necessary, since he posted shirtless pictures of himself on something called “the Internet” for the whole world (except for Lake) to see:

Everything you ever wanted to know about Jeremy.

The trick, of course to this puzzle was that there were two extra, useless pieces. That kind of confused most of the teams at first, but boy did it throw Lori off. I mean, I thought she might have some trouble with the statue, since she’s used to seeing naked male bodies that are enormous, round and sweaty, rather than normal-shaped. But, in fact, it was the extra pieces that pushed her over the edge. “IT DOESN’T FIT” she screamed in such a total-geekmonster-freakout way that it totally reminded Dave of the first time they tried to have sex. Of course, that was because he was using.…. No wait, that joke is way over the line. Censor yourself, Linda. You don’t need the FCC all over this blog.

Anyway, you would think with all of the stress Lori experiences on a day-to-day basis at her job (she is an Assistant Manager at Pizza Hut, after all), she’d know how to pull it together. Finally, after assembling and disassembling the naked dude like 3 times, Lori finally realized that there might just be two extra pieces. Yay, Lori! I like them, I was actually sad to see her cry. No, not really. I love when people cry and scream in despair. What’s wrong with me? And I really enjoyed Phil’s subtle “you’re so goddamn fat” dis when he said something about “giving them a workout” when they arrived at the pit stop. I love you, Phil.

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Prelude to a cheesy bites breakdown.

After yielding the pinkies, Lake seemed WAY too excited to be assembling the naked dude. I mean, he always seems way too excited, but this was like WAY over the edge. YEAH!!!!! He kept screaming, blabbering something about taking anatomy class and being a dentist. Um, it’s just a friggin’ human body you jerkoff-hick. Everyone has one, you don’t have some special advantage because you took an anatomy class. The only difference is, on most guys, the thing under that leaf is actually visible without a microscope.

Anyway, Dr. & Mrs. Micropenis did finish the roadblock rather quickly, and it was down to just Ray and Yo vs. D and D. Yolanda worked quickly, while Dani struggled, and despite an editing fakeout that made us think that they might still be neck-and-neck, I think the big butts pretty much whooped the big boobs. And for a change, the Yield actually eliminated someone.

So, once again, any hope of an all-female victory is gone. Such a sad day for all of the women of TAR, and all of the women in the world, really. Dag-nabbit Karen, you ruined everything! I bet if there was a cheeseburger on top of that damn cliff we’d be millionaires now. Oh well.

So who do I root for now? I think Eric and Jeremy, despite their super-cheezy Myspace profiles. I like them. Or maybe the geekazoids. They’re kind of awesome, too, even though Dave’s face-sweat makes me barf. What do all of you think? Who are you rooting for?

P.S. Don't forget that next week, THE AMAZING RACE moves to it's new time slot on Wednesdays at 8:00 pm EST!!!

Posted by Linda Ruiz in Recap corner on April 1, 2006 2:31 PM



Comments

Scottie - thanks for posting the link to your recaps on our TAR message board. This is a fabulous recap!!

Dundee
RTVP admin.

Posted by: Dundee at April 1, 2006 3:01 PM

Oh man...this was H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S.

Seriously though, bird flu done you good. Funniest recap ever.

"Anyway, Dr. & Mrs. Micropenis"...I must remember to never drink anything while reading these recaps.

"that it totally reminded Dave of the first time they tried to have sex."...sexual jokes are an absolute riot. I nearly died at this one.

A yield with an elimination...go figure. Too bad it knocked out the Danielles. My early on favorite, but oh well. Go team Mojo!

Posted by: Andrew at April 2, 2006 10:31 PM

best...recap...ever!

Posted by: Gail at April 3, 2006 11:51 AM