After learning that they were still racing, the surprise clue from Phil instructed the teams to drive themselves 49 miles toward Dubois, Wyoming and find Turtle Ranch. The Godlewskis, newly energized after rebounding from a tearful-near elimination before the Pit Stop fakeout, yelled to Phil, “you’re just torturing us!” To which Phil replied, “I know, I’m torturing you.” Having overheard the whole exchange, Dick Cheney peered out the window of his ranch at 12501 and snickered, “I’ve got some pink hoods and shackles picked out just for you lovely ladies… mwahahahaha!”

The name of the next destination had the Pink Ladies guessing about what might be in store for them. “Maybe we have to go eat some turtles,” Christine said. Ooh I hope so! Turtle milkshakes, please?

On the road again, the Weavers argue over whether to fill up the tank. “We’ll get gas tomorrow,” Linda decides. Hmm, that sounds like a bad idea. I can’t imagine there are loads of gas stations in between those 15,000 acre ranches. Foreshadowing perhaps?

Arriving at the Turtle Ranch, there were no turtles to be found, which was especially disappointing to Rolly because he was really CRAVEing a creamy turtle-based beverage. Instead, the teams found a sign indicating the hours of operation of the ranch: 7:00 am to 4:30 pm. Now, I don’t understand why a ranch would have hours of operation, but I’ll play along.

The overnight stay in the trailers provided yet another opportunity for the Weavers to complain that nobody talks to them (while locking themselves inside their trailer), and for the other teams to complain about how they always complain that nobody talks to them. Sigh. Will one of the Linzes please do it with a Bransen girl or something, please? I’m bored.

Side note: In all honesty, the boringness isn't the players’ fault at all. I actually think the teams are pretty interesting – well the Bransens are kind of boring, but the Linzes are funny, the Godlewskis straddle the love them/they annoy the creaaaap out of me line well, making them entertaining, and the Weavers are totally annoying, but I love to hate them (and according to the 13 year old girls that apparently make up most of the Just Us Moms! readers, Rolly is hottt!). The blame lies with whoever conceived this stupid 90%-U.S. edition. I hope that dumbass was fired.

Anyway, at the crack of dawn, the teams had to race across the now-open-for-business ranch toward a bunch of vans lined up on the road, with drivers waiting to take them to this week’s detour: Pioneer Spirit or Native Tradition. Lame name, but the task actually wasn’t too bad. The choice was between assembling the (very heavy) wheels to a covered wagon, hitching it to some horses and driving ¼ mile, or putting together a big teepee. The Linzes and Bransens chose the wagon, while the Weavers and the Godlewskis decided to tackle the teepee instead. Now, after the pink ladies’ dismal performance in the last construction-oriented detour (the railroad thing), I thought the teepee was a poor choice. And of course, I was right.

The wagon was pretty tough to put together, but ¼ mile wasn’t very far to ride, so the Linzes and Bransens finished first, and were quickly on the road to Cody, Wyoming, 200 miles away.

Nick Linz’s impersonation of a Godlewski speaking.

The teepee builders, on the other hand, were still hard at work, and it was the Weavers who finished theirs first and presented it to the Chief for approval. “Chief, come into our tribe and we’ll have dinner for you one time,” Linda said to the Chief. “Linda, you go to buffalo and try the banana in the sky too,” the chief replied. Wow, who knew the Chief was fluent in Weaverese?

As predicted, the Godlewskis had trouble with this one, but thanks to the superhuman strength of Chrissy’s beaaaack, they were able to finish and were still in the race.

It looks like she is struggling, but that’s actually just the face that Christine makes when she poses for a photo.

Next stop, Cody, Wyoming! A bustling town with paved roads and everything. The teams had to find the hotel named after Buffalo Bill’s daughter, and given the booming hotel industry in Cody, Wyoming, you can bet that was a challenge. Inside the hotel, the families had to dress in period clothes and have their pictures taken with “Buffalo Bill.” Seriously folks, I don’t make this creaaaap up. That was really it. Not even the world’s largest buffalo turd or anything.

Please hurry up and change, I have tickets to a Marilyn Manson show in an hour.

One at a time, the teams dressed up in dorky, poorly-fitted clothes and posed for pictures. Nick Linz asked if they had to wear pants, which really excited Karen for a moment, but then we realized he just meant no costume pants, and not no pants at all. Oh poo. Though if you pretend that they have no pants on, this picture is a lot funnier.

Probably the best moment of the entire episode came next, as we saw a newly-impatient, competitive side of Wally emerge as the “race” (I’m putting it in quotes now) nears the end and the million-dollar prize is actually in sight. The Linzes were joking around with the photographer and generally being silly, when Walder sternly interjected, “come on guys, pose. Let’s go.” Bransen girl even told him to “chill.” Next week, I predict that Wally is going to bump chests with Nick Linz, Survivor style.

The Bransens finally got their turn, and they loved the photo so much that Wally suggested using it for the family Christmas card.

Merry Christmas, from Wally Bransen and 3 whores I picked up in Cody, Wyoming.

After the exhilarating take-your-picture-in-stupid-clothes adventure, everyone had to travel 70 miles to a golf course in Red Lodge, Montana, where they found both an un-subtlely-placed product and the next road-blaaaahck.

Is it a tiny car or a giant Phil?

To answer my own ridiculous question above, it was a tiny car/golf cart – a Buick Lucerne, to be specific. I’m not sure why, but I just love this golf cart so much that I could take it out to dinner. Anyway, it was another two person (3 person if you love your golf cart THAT much) roadblock this week. The teams had to pick a color, and then drive around the golf course looking for four balls of that color.

“All they have to do is search for balls?” Megan Linz asked. Amazingly, her brothers had no comment. Was this one just too easy, guys?

Actually, the ball-hunting proved a challenge for the Linzes, who forgot to look in the hole (oh come on now, some genitalia humor? pleaaaase?) allowing the Bransens to make up some time and ultimately finish in first-place this week. The pit stop was (you guessed it!) at another ranch, where they won a brand-new 2006 Buick Lucerne! The full size one, not the Charla version. Wally loved it so much he immediately invited it over for pasta, and named it Bransen Girl #4.

Just behind them were the almost-always second place Linzes, who along with the Bransens have now secured a spot in the final leg.

So it was the Weavers and the Godlewskis left to battle for last place. After an exciting ride filled with discussion of who looked the most disgusting in their photo, the Weavers made it to the golf course first, and Linda and Rolly started looking for balls. But the pink ladies were not far behind, and they arrived at the green while the Weavers were still there, so I hoped they were still in it. Michelle and Sharon headed out in the Lucerne, and meltdown #3 of the hour ensured almost immediately after Michelle nearly ejected Sheaaaaron from the ceaaaaar at least 3 times.

They were eventually able to finish the roadblock without Sharon becoming pink roadkill, but the Weavers had a pretty good lead on them, and even a nearly-empty gas tank and a brief run-in with the law couldn’t stop those crazy Weavers, who finished in third place, also guaranteeing them a spot in the final episode. Hopefully they will say more dumb things next week to give me something to write about – this week was a little weak on the stupidity. Frankly, I was disappointed.

And sadly, our beloved pink ladies placed last, and were eliminated. Really, though, this was the third time (if you count last week) that they finished last. And lately, they had gotten kind of annoying. So I didn’t care that much. Or maybe I just don’t give a creaaaap about this show anymore.

Any thoughts? Are you all excited about the big good (Linz) versus evil (Weaver) versus boring (Bransen) showdown next week? Post some comments!