November 30, 2005

Linda Ruiz

The Neverending Leg (la la la… la la la…)

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I really wanted to title this post TAR goes to the Moon! but since I already did the whole “Utah looks like outer space” bit last week, I decided that would be kind of lame. And just because The Amazing Race: Family Edition is totally lame-o, that doesn’t mean Just Us Moms! has to sink to that level, too. (Don’t worry, I will still sink to the level of incessantly bashing the Weavers. That is still fun.)

The race resumed in the middle of the night in Salt Lake City, Utah (for all our readers with as pitifully limited an awareness as the Weaver family, that’s where Mormons live!). Three teams will begin this leg with $87, and one will have $0. Oh, I hope someone makes the “gee, I wonder who that is?” joke. That one always cracks me up.

Fresh off of the high of their first first-place finish in the last leg, the Linzes were out of the gate first at 12:46 am.

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Alex is either high on more than last week’s win, or he is doing his Barbara Bush impression.

As the Linzes begin to make their way to Park City High School where they will receive their next clue, Megan is complaining that she feels sick. Fortunately, this episode was creatively brought to us by Pepto Bismol, and after a gratuitous shot of the bottle on the counter and a little snippet of Megan singing the praises of the pink stuff, she is all better by the next morning.

Now this sly little bit of product placement got me thinking, maybe Just Us Moms! should get some sponsors, too! Well, I’m happy to report that this recap has been brought to you by OB Tampons. Visit their website, where you can learn the answers to important “frequently asked questions,” like “will I lose my virginity if I use tampons?” You know one of the Weavers submitted that question.

Anyway, back to the show. The Bransens were up next at 1:23 am, and they began by saying exactly what they said last week – that there is tension between the other teams and they hope that it works to their advantage.

They were followed by the Godlewskis at 1:30 am. Christine complained that she hoped that her sisters would get along better and that they were being too hard on her. Geez, did the editors just recycle the clips from last week or something? Maybe I should just call this damn thing TAR goes to the Moon after all.

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Even in a still photo, you can actually see her accent. OMGaaaaad!

Last up were the lovable Jesus-freaks, the Weavers, departing a whole 3-and-a-half hours after the pink ladies. And remember, one team has $0. “Gee, I wonder who that is,” said Rebecca. HAHAHAHAHA. Oh Rebecca, you’re such a card. But fortunately (unless you’re anybody but them), the shuttle buses to the next task don’t leave until 6:00 am. This, of course, sends the Weavers into what I can only assume is a Jesus-juice-induced tirade, as they arrive on the scene honking their horn, screaming incomprehensible nonsense and doing the Waffle-house dance that Rebecca perfected earlier in the season.

“Your Yield didn’t work for us, sucker!” Rebecca screams out the window if their car. “Were you sorry you wasted your Yield?” Linda shrieked in a tone so annoying it could only be topped by the annoyingness of her response to herself: “YOU WILL BE!”

Um, FYI – the Linzes didn’t waste their Yield. The dumbass producers wasted it, by putting in in a non-elimination leg. Duh.

I was hoping at this point that Christine Godlewski would sneaaaap and cheaaaarge full-speed ahead at Linda (screaming AAAAAAAAAA!! all the way) and pile-drive her nasty birds-nest head into the pavement. Sadly, no beaaaaackpeaaaaack-esque breakdown-leading-to-assault took place. If only Carissa Gaghan had been there, you know there would have been a beat-down.

On the way to the next task, Nick Linz channeled Stuart Smalley for a moment: “nobody likes to be yielded in life.” Oh how true.

Upon arriving at the next destination, the Linzes happened upon an interesting sight:

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Why is Michelle Godlewski lying in this field?

Oh wait, those aren’t Michelle’s Grand Tetons, they’re hot air balloons! In this task, teams will help inflate a hot air balloon and take it for a scenic ride over the Utah countryside.

If that sounds boring, never fear! CBS has been hyping a mid-air balloon-collision all week in their TAR promos! Unfortunately, despite the “something scary is about to happen” music and the masterfully-edited-together sound bytes of teams saying “oh my gosh!” it was even less exciting than the also over-hyped Linz-Weaver superkart crash a few weeks ago.

You see, hot air balloons are filled with lots of this hot, air-like substance, making them essentially impossible to “crash.” That obvious logic didn’t stop the Weaver-balloon pilot from saying, “bounced off of ‘em. He’s really lucky.” after the collision. God, is their stupidity contagious? Bouncing off of ‘em would only be lucky if the engineer behind the Hindenburg had filled up their balloon.

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Farting in a hot air balloon is so rude and un-Christian!

Landing, however, appeared to be a little bit tricky, as the Godlewskis wound up on a big pile of rocks, and the Weavers touched down on the side of a pretty steep hill. Linda & Co. did manage to make it out of the big basket and “scooted” down the incline.

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Why is Linda Weaver sliding down the hill on her butt, you ask? I wondered the same thing, but the obvious answer occurred to me later: her anal glands are infected. Linda, you should really see your veterinarian immediately.

After their scenic balloon ride, the teams headed to the historic Heber Valley Railway in Heber City, Utah for this week’s Detour: Spike It or Steam It. This was actually a pretty good Detour, I thought – a choice between assembling a twenty foot section of railroad tracks (“precision” work that required some skill) and hauling coal into a rail car (work that required no skill but could take a while).

All of the teams opted for Spike It except for the Weavers, in what turned out to be a good decision for them, who chose to Steam It. The Linzes worked through the spiking fairly quickly, maintaining their lead over the other teams. The Bransens, with newly-energized Superman Wally in charge, made quick work of the spiking, too. (I must say, Walder looked pretty foxy wielding that sledge hammer, with sweat and railroad dirt all over his face. Rrrowr!)

The pink ladies (now the pinkish-black ladies), on the other hand, had some difficulty with this one. The “stupid music” (that I unsuccessfully tried to explain in my recap last week) was playing again, and this time it was a variation of “I’ve been workin’ on the railroad! Very cute, producers!

Obviously, everything that went wrong was totally Christine’s fault. Poor Christine, her sisters were being a little mean to her this week. However, after they finished the task, a Texas-bound Amtrak train derailed on the section of track that Christine had bolted, killing everyone onboard. Way to go, CHRISTINE!

While the Godlewskis bickered, the Weavers made quick work of the coal-hauling and managed to take the third position, leaving the pink ladies suddenly in last place.

On the 140 mile journey to the Bonneville Salt Flats, Nick Linz boasted about his spike-hammering prowess: “three strokes is all it takes for me,” prompting Tommy to retort, “it’s all it takes in bed too.” I’m not going to ask how Tommy knows that. I’ll just leave that to your (dirty) imaginations.

Eventually, all of the families made it to the next destination: the Tree of Utah, an 87-foot high structure that was “built to bring color and beauty to this stark landscape,” and inspire lots of balls-related comments in this sexually-repressed state.

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Since this thing has three sets of balls, it will take Nick nine strokes.

After stopping at the giant ball-tree / hemmorhoid / something about a poop that I didn’t understand, the teams began a 400 mile drive to Garden City, UT, home of Bear Lake Rendezvous Ranch. Despite leaving the “tree” in first place, the Linz family slipped to last place along the way. What happened? Did they get lost? Were they kidnapped by Mormon missionaries? Nope, just another mysterious car-battery-draining production error. God, this show frickin’ sucks.

Once in Garden City, the families got a chance to sleep, and the next morning, they departed in 15 minute intervals in the same order that they arrived. The Bransens were off first, followed by the Weavers. Rebecca Weaver complained that her “brain was fried, like she had been in math class all day,” noting that she had failed math (twice). In her defense, she failed because her Mom was her math tutor, and Linda was only schooled in “Intelligent Geometry,” where a2 + b2 = Jesus.

The next stop: Dunham Ranch, just past Big Piney, Wyoming. Amazingly, at the very moment that the Weaver car rolled over the Utah-Wyoming border, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir burst into a rousing rendition of “Hallelujah!” Coincidence? I think not.

The Godlewskis were next, and Christine was complaining that she had a stomach ache. Unfortnately, Pepto Bismol was not willing to pay for two sponsorships in one episode, so Christine had to go unmedicated. Poor Christine.

Once in Wyoming, two members from each team had to participate in this week’s roadblock: a totally boring version of the old “herding some small animal from one corral to another” challenge. Each duo had a professional cowboy to help them. So basically it was a ¼ mile horsey ride. Riveting.

Back on the road again (god how frickin’ long is this episode?), and this time, the producers used mother nature fairly creatively to create another bunching point. The teams had to find a fireman (who had obviously taken multiple Xanax) at Yellowstone National Park, where they would wait by Old Faithful until they saw an eruption (which occurs every 92 minutes).

The Bransens and the Weavers made it to the geyser in time for the 4:28 eruption, so they got a 92 minute lead on the other two teams who missed it by just a few minutes. As they passed the other teams on the way out, Rebecca Weaver said, “I hope the other teams have to wait.” I know you’re not a math whiz, Becky, but if the damn thing spurts once every 92 minutes, I don’t think you need to hope. Unless, of course, Nick Linz tries his patented “three strokes” technique, but that hasn’t been tested on an actual geyser yet.

The two leading teams are now making their way to another ranch, where, according to the episode summary on my TiVo, “something unexpected will happen.” I was hoping that the surprise would be that it was actually the Cheney ranch, and that a jeans-clad Dick C. would welcome the teams to Wyoming (using only one side of his face, of course) at the mat! But no. Phil was all alone in his rancher outfit.

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I’m too sexy for this fence.

The big surprise: this leg is not over! Oh my god, please kill me now. I feel like I’ve been watching this leg for the past month.

Seriously, are they ever going to eliminate another team? I’m so bored I actually slipped into a coma while writing this recap. Please call 911, now.

What did all of you think? Is anyone even watching this show anymore? Or are you all so bored, you’ve become cybersex addicts, instead? If so, tune in to CBS 2 News at 11!

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Posted by Linda Ruiz in Recap corner on November 30, 2005 3:26 PM



Comments

I loooooooooooooove The Weavers!
If I met them I would say 58974983 reasons why I L0VE them!!!!!!!...Y0U GUYS ARE AWES0ME!!!!!!!

Posted by: G0WEAVERS at November 30, 2005 6:13 PM

Hey GOWEAVERS,

Those 3 sentences tell me 58974983 reasons why you should be in a mental institution somewhere (if you aren't already)!

But you bowling moms are the best!

Posted by: weaverssuck at November 30, 2005 9:47 PM

I love the weavers

Posted by: cinthia at December 2, 2005 6:40 PM

Could you please also talk about how bad are the other teams? The Weavers are acting that way because the other teams are going against them and all because of that silly plane ticket(first or second episode). You haven't mentioned how one of the daughters of the Brensen Family showed off her butt on a highway. Do you think that's having good morals? Be fair. Other than that, your reviews are pretty amusing.

Posted by: Cindy at December 3, 2005 9:17 PM

To be fair to Linda, I don't think she is making a moral judgment about the Weavers, rather just pointing out that they are idiotic hypocrites. xoxo Karen

Posted by: Karen at December 3, 2005 9:21 PM

The other teams bad? What the heck are you talking about? Its the other teams that are acting against the Weavers because of that plane ticket thing...and things just got worse from there. The Weavers are as I see Karen just said...idiotic hypocrites.

Showing off your butt on a highway...Do I think thats having good morals? Absolutely! It was all in fun for goodness sakes.

Meanwhile...Linda, keep the great reviews coming.

Also, who else was creeped out by Linda Weaver's cackle at the Linzes about "wasting" their yield?

Posted by: Andrew at December 5, 2005 4:39 PM

The other teams started it. The Weavers are just defending themselves. Well, now that it's almost over, hopefully the rest of the teams will focus on themselves. I think the Linz bro took it way too personal. You don't have to tell anyone about a plane ticket on that race. Then he started to say that mom Weaver was being mean bad and blah blah. Showing off ur butt on a highway is fun?Okay let's teach our kids to do that! I'm sure they'll like it! What about lil Linz bro farting, burping right next to poor Megan. Go on about that instead of making statements that Rolly is soo gross because he farted.

Posted by: hmmm at December 13, 2005 1:41 PM