November 23, 2005

Linda Ruiz

TAR goes to Mars!


Teams must travel 120,000,000 miles via jet-propulsion spacecraft to Mars, the Red Planet. There, they will choose one of four GMC sport-utility Mars-rovers and drive themselves to Olympus Mons, the largest volcano in the universe (and the 2nd dumbest volcano Rachel Weaver ever saw).

Oops, wait. That’s not Mars, it’s Utah! But they look surprisingly similar, don’t you think? Hmm, I wonder if Martians have weird anti-alcohol, pro-polygamy lifestyles, too.

Anyway, back on boring ol’ planet earth (Lake Powell, Arizona, to be more precise), the Godlewski girls were off and running first, following their back-to-back wins last time. Phil’s offscreen voice mused, “will the Weaver family’s continued alienation from other teams affect their performance?” Let’s hope so! Yay, continued alienation!

The first clue directed the teams to drive themselves 136 miles to Maaaahnument Veaaaalley Neaaaavajo Triiiiebal Peaaaark (could they have picked a destination more prone to Godlewski-linguistic-massacre?), and find John Ford’s Point.

Before we could even get on to the road, the editors treated us to some classic Weaver delusions. “The world we live in is obviously not loving and kind, so I think we're just sticking out because we're just not as crude,” said Rebecca. Mom Weaver followed up with, “it's against our beliefs to keep being treated so rudely, but we can't let it bother us.” Yay, I guess we’re in for another hour of unbridled “Christian” hypocrisy!

Wally Bransen then explained to us that he wants to be more aggressive this leg. Unfortunately, uttering the word “aggressive” raised his blood pressure so high that he had a heart attack and died instantly.

Back on the road, the teams seemed to be having some trouble finding the Neaaaavajo thing, despite the fact that Utah has like 2 roads and is essentially nothing but a giant red sand pit. The Linzes drove right past the sign, followed by the Weavers and then the Godlewskis. Not a major problem, though, as everyone quickly realized this and turned around.

But the Godlewskis had some difficulty with the turning around part (did I mention that they were driving giant trailers?), and Christine left the vehicle to help her sister neaaaavigate the turn. Ever since the episode with the beaaaaackpeaaaaack incident the ladies have been extra hard on Christine, saying she talks too much and rolling their eyes every time she speaks. Even the producers joined in the game by playing the “somebody’s doing something dumb!” music (“dohm, DOHM, dohm, DOHM, deeedle deeedle duhhhn duhhhhhhh, dohm DOHM dohm DOHM…”) while she tried to get the trailer turned around. Poor Christine. She’s just a little high strung.

Meanwhile, Bransen Girl offered some thoughts on the inter-team dynamics. “There is obviously some tension between the Linzes and the Godlewskis toward the Weavers. We just hope it will benefit us.” “We’re neutral,” Wally added, comparing himself to Switzerland. A slow, chubby, doofy, Switzerland.

Next, two members of each team had to take a helicopter ride (aww, Marion wanted to go for a helicopter ride! Poor Marion.) to the top of a giant Elephant’s Butt! Whoa, cool. Actually, it was an Elephant’s Butte. Very different from Butt. (Butte = giant rock thing, while Butt = ass). It’s too bad that Lori & Bolo weren’t there, because you know they totally would have pronounced it Butté, and a joke about an Elephant’s Bootay would have been so much funnier.

The helicopters held a maximum of four people, and the Weavers and the Godlewskis made it on the first one. The view was breathtaking, but Rachel Weaver was not impressed (it was the dumbest Butte she ever saw).

Shanequa and Tashonda Weaver await the return of Rebecca and Rolly.

The Bransens had not yet arrived when the first ‘copter returned, so two of the Linz boys went next.

Sweet: one of the five words in the Linz vocabulary. FYI, the others are “dude,” “yo,” “girlies,” and, surprisingly, “tapenade.”

Next stop, Moab, Utah (Are you excited yet?). The teams would have to find the Gemini Bridges, a pretty cool-looking rock formation.

Note to producers: An abundance of cool-looking things does not make up for the lack of Indian subways and gross food-eating challenges. I want to watch Linda Weaver throw up on herself. Please? Some very spicy soup? Pretty please?

The teams were on the road again. Nick Linz took an opportunity to zoom past the Weaver-mobile on the highway.

Do not attempt to do the Macarena while driving.

After passing them, one of the Linz boys called the Weavers “the wicked witch of the east and her three monkeys,” and another replied, “someone’s gonna come and drop a house on her head!” Oh no he didn’t! That was so awesome! I didn’t even have to pretend Carissa Gaghan said it. You Linzes are such BITCHES! I’m starting to love them.

Wally wondered out loud what the next task might be. “I hope it’s something adventurous,” Bransen Girl said. To which Walder replied, “I could go for something tranquil and boring.” Oh Walder, don’t worry. This is the Family Edition. I’m sure it will be boring.

The Gemini Bridges were the site of this week’s Detour: Ride Down (ride 6 miles on a bike) or Drop Down (rappel 270 feet down a cliff). Um, try repelling UP a cliff. As Karen can attest, it’s a little bit harder.

All of the teams opted for the (obviously much faster) Drop Down, except for the Weavers who chose the bikes.

Wait, there’s an Alex Linz? When the hell am I going to learn everyone’s names?

While the rappelling was pretty easy, Christine Godlewski had a little difficulty.

Ouch, my Butte!

The Weavers were also having some trouble with the bikes. “I don’t think Lance Armstrong could make it through this,” Rachel said. Sweetie, I think Lance Armstrong could make it though a 6 mile course if he pedaled with his balls. And one of them is probably fake.

After the Detour, the teams had to drive 52 miles to Green River State Park, where they would be spending the night in their trailers. During the drive there, an obviously-edited-in-later Phil voice explained to us that “due to a production error involving the camera equipment, the Godlewski’s car battery was drained. A replacement vehicle was provided, but they have fallen into last place.”

OK, did that make any sense to anyone else? Because I did not understand what he was talking about at all. Did they have to juice up the camera battery with the car battery? I don’t get it. And why should they be penalized for a “production error?” Don’t they usually “correct” production errors (I remember teams getting extra minutes in the past)? Whatever, this season is so boring anyway. It might as well be illogical and unfair, too.

During the overnight stay, the Weavers once again start complaining about their social predicament (that everyone hates them). “We go and talk to people, but they don’t reciprocate,” says Linda. Hmm, I don’t remember any talking. Maybe they’re referring to the time that they threw garbage at the Godlewskis. I hear that’s how monkeys sometimes attempt to communicate with humans.

The next morning, the teams are allowed to leave 15 minutes apart, in the order that they arrived. The Linz family was first at 7:00 am, followed by the Weavers, the Bransens and the productionally-challenged Godlewskis.

The teams had to drive themselves to Heber City, Utah and find Bart, a giant but cute bear. The 20 mile drive was an occasion for some positive Christian behavior on the part of the Weavers. “That’s so ugly,” one of the Weaver monkeys said of the Utah scenery. “You wish you were Lance Armstrong,” Rolly yelled at random cyclists on the road. So hypocritical. Oh wait, maybe not. I just re-read Linda’s comment at the beginning. “It's against our beliefs to keep being treated so rudely,” she said. So, their religion doesn’t allow other people to be mean to them, but they can be humongous assfaces all the time! It totally makes sense now!

After Bart the bear “gave” the teams the next clue, they had to drive 22 miles to Olympic Park in Park City, Utah. But caution, Yield ahead! OH HELLZ YEAH! I am excited now, because the Linzes are in the lead, and surely they’ll Yield the Weavers which will (a) cause them to go (more) insane, and (b) probably lead them to be eliminated. Yippee!

True to their pact with the pink ladies, the Linz family Yielded the Weavers. Tommy offered the following explanation. “Because they’re behind us, it will give us a good separation. Hopefully it will give us our first place spot.” In other words, “They suck. We hate them. Die die die.”

Fresh off of the high of sticking it to the Weavers, Nick Linz prepared to do this week’s road-blaaaahck: a ski jump down a 60 foot ramp into a pool of water. (No, there was no bobbing for bananas afterward.) Nick Linz tried to do a fancy 360 degree flip off of the jump, but undershot it by a bit.

Face plant!

They Weavers had not yet arrived when the Linzes left the park, prompting Alex to wonder if they had been eaten by the bear? Silly Alex, Bart won’t eat just anything. He does have standards.

Actually, the Weavers were late because they took the very scenic route to the Olympic Park, which provided them ample time to take in all of Utah’s stupid and crappy scenery. (Note to my Mormon readers: I actually think your state is quite beautiful! If only you would stop lynching the gays, think of how great it would be!) Their little “detour” landed the delusional disciples (I updated their team name, Karen) in fourth place when they arrived at the park.

The Weaver’s fate seemed to be sealed, and they knew it as they drove to the park. “Accept it, we'll be last today and we'll be eliminated,” Linda said. “The family who wins it will probably spend the money on a new nose and bigger boobs,” replied one of her daughters.

The last thing Michelle Godlewski needs is bigger boobs.

Mrs. Weaver then offered some advice on dealing with sadness. “When you’re sad, eat some ice cream. It revigorates and injuvenates you.” True dat, Linda. I just ate a whole quart and I feel emvitalized and repowered already.

Arriving at the Yield with their trademark blend of denial, delusion and insanity, the Weavers ran to the mat yelling, “We’re the first ones here! YAYYYYYYYY!” Um, no you’re not, monkeys! You’re in last place! Now cry, dammit!

While the Weavers sat on the ground and whined, the Linz siblings were already in Salt Lake City, the home of this week’s pit stop. They finally finished in first place (though they have been my pick to win on the “Fantasy League” every week. Maybe now I’ll finally win that $200 gas card!), and they were greeted by Phil and a special guest – Miss Latin Utah!

I am the most beautiful of all of the three Latin women in Utah.

As a reward for their first first-place finish, the Linzes won a trip for four to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, where they will stay at Teton Mountain Lodge, just minutes from Grand Teton National Park. They were obviously excited, but I was hoping for the requisite reaction to Phil’s using the word “Teton” twice in 10 seconds. Hmm, maybe Teton Mountain Lodge forbade the obvious Michelle Godlewski joke.

The Bransens arrived in second place, followed by the Grand Pink Tetons, the Godlewski ladies. The Weavers were wayyyy behind in fourth place, and since (a) there was a Yield on this leg, and (b) they always make the second-to-last leg a non-elimination round, the Weavers were sure to be eliminated. Yay!

Overflowing with excitement, I was already doing the happy dance around my living room as Weavermonkeys arrived at the Pit Stop. “Weaver Family,” Phil began, “you’re the last team to arrive.” I was midway though a rousing rendition of “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,” when he followed that up with, “I’m pleased to tell you….” WHAT???? Oh for Christ’s sake, HOW COULD THIS BE A NON-ELIMINATION LEG? Damn you, producers!

So I guess the Weavers will live to see another day. And after Phil’s second pep talk in a row, they seem to be totally revigorated and injuvenated and ready for what’s in store next. Poop.

I hope everyone out there has an enlaxing Thanksgiving! See you next week!

Posted by Linda Ruiz in Recap corner on November 23, 2005 2:33 PM


This leg sort of reminded me of the leg when Colin and Christie weren't eliminated. [The one they came in last for.] it was like...DAMN! WHAT THE HELL?!!??! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO US!!

Anyways, nice review Linda! Very funny, as usual. =)

Posted by: Ken at November 23, 2005 5:54 PM

Wow Linda! Another great and way beyond hilarious recap! How do you do it? How sad was I that Team Christian Widow and her three Fucked up Brats were NOT eliminated? On a scale of one to ten -- ten being MOST disappointed -- I was about...a 20. Holy guacamole. Life, she is unfair.

Oh, and Happy Thanskgiving to the Ruiz family!

P.S. Why doesn't Karen ever post anything? Did she move to Canada or something?

Posted by: Gail at November 23, 2005 9:20 PM

Linda, I love it, by far your funniest review yet.

The Weavers continue to be hypocritical jackasses...I'm so damn sick of it by now. Take it upon yourselves to make things right god damn it! You do know the other teams aren't going to treat you nice right?...I guess not...

Glad to finally see the Linzes grab a first place win. Now if they can take the first place on the final leg...I'll be a very happy person.

Posted by: Andrew at November 24, 2005 9:11 PM

Get off the Weaver hate train! Bowling Moms were pure crap in thier TAR edition. GO WEAVERS!

Posted by: Yvonne at November 25, 2005 3:17 AM

I did not have it in me on my blog to comment on Michelle Godlewski's endowment. I thank God that someone else did.

You'd never guess at how boring this ep was based on your very entertaining recap. Well done!

Posted by: Waveflux at November 25, 2005 2:28 PM