October 19, 2005

Linda Ruiz

Down south

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The world’s biggest office chair! NASCAR! Trailer parks! Gambling! Flannel! Naked butts!! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’re headed down south. The Amazing Race made its way through the deep south last night on a whirlwind lame tour of Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana.

The Bransens, winners of last week’s insane “free gasoline for life” prize, started off this leg. First stop, the world’s largest office chair.

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The cover of every “Visit Alabama!” brochure, I’m sure

Bransen girl (it’s easier to just call them all “Bransen girl” – I can’t tell them apart) mused out loud, “when I see the word Alabama, I think ‘ugly.’” Oh no she didn’t!! Ugly ole’ Alabammy ain’t getting none of this Bransen girl!

Not to be outdone by Bransen girl, Carissa Gaghan added, “when I see Alabama, I think of fat stupid people with no teeth!” Oh no she DIDN’T!! No, really, she didn’t. But you know she thought it.

Next up were the Linz siblings, who were giggling away and playing a game of “hot hands,” AKA “slap the sister.” See, Rolly & Hunter, slapping within the family = fun, but slapping outside the family = dangerous divulgence of “strategy.” Duh!

Speaking of the ultra-competitive Schroeders, they started this leg in third place. We saw a clip of Stassi Schroeder telling us how she is used to coming in first at everything she does, which, according to the rules of reality TV editing, means that they will probably be eliminated.

The Godlewski ladies were next. Dressed in a lovely assortment of pastels, they told us about how they sometimes fight. More foreshadowing, perhaps? Let’s hope so! The Paolos can’t have all the fun.

After the pink ladies left, it was the Weavers turn. Rachel Weaver began this leg by breaking the record for the world’s fastest prayer.

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Over in the Schroeder car, the Weaver-bashing was in full effect. Hunter called them “the white trash family,” and Stassi one-upped him by calling Mom Weaver “the wicked witch!” Ouch! Best-friend-stepmom Char chimed in, saying that at first she felt bad for them, but that was before she found out they’re evil. Stassi added, “they’re fake – at first they try to be your friend, then they try to kill you!” Whoa, that’s a little overboard missy. Where did all this Weaver hatred come from? I just wish Marion Paolo was in the car with the Schroeders. You all better COOL IT!!!

Unfortunately, Marion wasn’t there to bitch-slap Char & Stassi, because she was busy fighting with her own family, as usual.

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You boys better COOL IT!!! I could KILL YOU with this clue, you know!

Bringing up the rear were the Gaghans (AKA the rugrats), who, as usual, were telling us how the other teams underestimate them. The only thing this episode needed to be more stereotypically predictable was Ron telling us how giant office chairs reminded him of Baghdad.

After climbing the big chair, the teams all headed to the speedway in Taaaaaladeeeeega, Aaaalabeaaama, which is beaaaaack on 20 West, Sheaaaaron!! They each had to complete one leaaaaap around the treaaaack. Sorry, I’ll stop (but it’s so fun).

What looked like it might be a NASCAR race turned out to be just a ride on a weird looking group-bike. Whew, the Weavers have been spared. They’re not my favorite team, but I thought that would have been a little too mean. Perhaps Jesus answered Rachel’s super-speed-prayer?

It did, however, seem like the wrath of God had been summoned upon the Paolos as they were finishing the road-blaaaahck (oops, sorry).

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Jesus: You Paolos better COOL IT!!! I swear to FRICKIN’ GOD! And I AM GOD, so HA!

Next stop: 260 miles away in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, where the teams had to find the Southern Colonel, a mobile home park. Both the Weavers and the Godlewskis called it the “Southern Colonial” – now that’s just mean, ladies! They are obviously mobile homes, not Colonials. No need to rub it in.

The Schroeders had some trouble finding the Colonel, mainly because Dad thought it would be a waste of time to stop and ask directions or look up the address, like all of the other teams did. Those tech-seaaaavy Godlewskis even found a computer where they Googled the Southern Colonel and found it immediately.

At the trailer park, the teams had to find trailers with designated departure times. Unbeknownst to them, there were three options: 7:20 am, 7:40 am, and 8:00 am. Once a team pulled off a time, they were stuck with it. The first arrivals, the Bransen and Linz families, grabbed the two 7:20 slots. The Godlewskis got the first 7:40 slot. Amazingly Incredibly stupidly, the next three teams all took the 8:00 time, leaving the last-but-lucky Paolos to get the remaining 7:40 slot.

The next morning, the teams headed to Louisiana for this week’s detour: a choice between work (sawing a log) or play (playing blackjack). Not exactly edge-of-your-seat excitement, but hey, it’s better than last week’s Gravitron challenge. Both tasks required silly costumes – blackjack teams had to dress up in period ugly suits and foofy dresses, and log-sawing teams had to dress up like lesbians:

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The pit stop for this leg of the race was just across Lake Ponchartrain, which, Mrs. Weaver pointed out, is one of the great lakes. It is also one of the seven wonders of the world, along with Pennsylvania National Park, the great state of Washington, DC, and the Virgin Mary that appeared in the form of syrup on the pancakes that she ordered at the Waffle House last week.

The teams headed to New Orleans, and this time, it was the pink ladies who seemed to be going into meltdown-mode. Christine totally lost it when her obviously lunatic sister told her to leave her backpack in the car.

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A suggestion for Christine -- here.

Team Pokey Poppa finished in first place for the second week in a row, winning a trip (from Travelocity!) to Orlando this time. As the rest of the teams made their way to the pit stop, the battle over last place was between the Schroeders and the Gaghans. We knew they were screwed when they showed that footage of them saying they always finish first, and sure enough, the Schroeders were eliminated this week.

If there is a lesson to be learned from this episode, it’s don’t mess with the Weavers. Last week, the Aiellos hated them, and they were eliminated. This week, the Schroeders called them all sorts of mean names, and they met the same fate. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and that obviously includes screwing over TAR teams who are mean to his fans. Except for Brandon and Nicole. Even Jesus thought they were annoying.

So, next week they’re finally leaving the country, woo hoo! Where do you think they’re headed? I’m betting on exotic Canada, but I’m hoping for Mexico. Mainly because I’m dying to see Carissa Gaghan try to find the train station by asking someone “Donde esta el choo chooooo?” It would be even cuter than when Charla did it!

Posted by Linda Ruiz in Recap corner on October 19, 2005 2:00 PM


What a great episode...well...not that great, but considering the other 3, this one was pretty good.

Hey Linda, you forgot to mention the moon exchange.

As for where they're headed, I'd say Panama City. Great baseball players from down there. Plus I heard somewhere that was who that baseball team was we saw in the preview for next week.

Posted by: Andrew at October 20, 2005 1:59 PM

Oh yes, the mooning... well, I think the picture at the top is pretty self-explanatory! Although the Linz boys response of showing their bare chests to the ladies, and saying "now it's your turn!" was pretty funny. Nice try, boys!

Posted by: Linda at October 20, 2005 2:08 PM

I am rooting for the rugrats. Despite how cute and good they are, you must admit...their parents are awesome. They had to cut the logs and do the detour by themselves, and they still probably did it better than some of the other teams. Or, maybe it is a blessing in disguise that you have 2 people who can't do certain things...just look at the Marion.

Posted by: Go rugrats at October 20, 2005 4:37 PM